Love. Sex. Tuesday.

As we layed on my bed, like the countless other times, we were silently staring at each other. I could see in his green eyes that he loved me. Then he asked that question that I myself had been asking myself too, "do you want to do it?" My body is telling that I want it. My mind tells me that I’m safe, he loves me and I’m protected. However, my heart is telling me ‘no’.

Sex is rarely talked about at home. No one really wants to know about your sex life at all. It is understood that my older sisters are sexually active, but they never talk to me about it. I had to persuade my mom to get me birth control and I told her it was to regulate my period. It is important to note that she isn’t a naive woman. A single mother with four girls however, has to have a bit of a laser faire attitude from time to time. She loves me and knows this is important. I’ve been on the pill for about six months.

When my boyfriend and I started going out, I was not in a good place in my life. I had been emotionally hurt by someone who I loved but as sweet as he was, couldn’t return the feeling. I did not think that my new boyfriend and I would last but I made myself a deal anyway. I would stay a virgin until I was 17, I was on birth control and I was sure that I loved him. I started going out with him November 21st, 2005. It’s been some time since then. My 17th birthday is approaching: June 2nd, 2007. "Do you want to do it?" I can hear his loving voice say that on so many different occasions. Sometimes one of us will say that in the heat of the moment. Other times, the question will come up as we’re lying naked and our hearts feel like one.

I went to a French-Catholic grade school and the sexual education class was less than amazing. I could not understand certain things. Porn actually cleared up a couple misconceptions for me. I did not know what a penis looked like until I watched porn, for example. I was terrified to start my period because I thought it was an unbearable pain. I know my middle-aged gym teacher had good intentions with the class, but it left me feeling self-conscious and scared. From time to time, I would look at the simply drawn diagram of what a vagina looked like and my heart would sink. I did not look like that down there. How would any boy want to be with me?

My boyfriend was the first and the only people I ever let touch me like that. I’ll be honest, our first time as a couple was very unexpected but enjoyable. I wanted to be with him. I talked to him about the "promise to myself" and he seemed to be all right with it. I do not know any couple who have stayed together for more than a year without having sex. We have. My mom has not told me to wait until marriage nor have I fallowed a religion that has told me this either. This is just something in my heart. When he does ask, "do you want to?" I have to think to myself: tomorrow will I regret this? Is this special? Most of the time, the answer is no. I do not want to lose my virginity on a random Tuesday then go and eat a bowl of chips. I want candles and to wake up next to him the next morning. I want something special. Our relationship is special and I just want our first time to reflect that.