In many relationships, especially when they’re healthy and communication is open, the father is the first to find out after a girl or woman learns of her pregnancy. In a situation like that, a guy does have some influence on what happens. However, legally, when it comes down to the final decision, you have no say. Under the law, the girl or woman gets to decide what to do about the pregnancy, whether it’s abortion, adoption or raising the child. That’s her right.

Some girls and women want the father of their baby involved in the decision; others do not. There are a variety of relationship and personal reasons why either of these might be the case.

Here are some things to consider if you are in this situation:

First, think about how you feel about the pregnancy and the idea of becoming a dad. Do some soul-searching. Guys have different reactions when hearing the news initially. Some are shocked; others are happy; others are angry; most are stressed and unsure of how they could actually manage being a father right now. Some guys who are angry about the pregnancy say that they feel trapped or that the girl got pregnant on purpose. If you have any of these feelings, it’s important to work through them with someone close to you before you talk to her. When you talk to her, listen to how she feels and what she wants. Ask questions. Tell her how you feel, calmly. Answer her questions.

If the two of you disagree about what to do, don’t try to pressure her to accept your point of view. Once you know that she understands your side, take some alone time for both of you to think. Agree on a time to come back together and discuss it again.

The situation can be tough if, for example, you want her to keep the baby and she wants to have an abortion. If you don’t agree, the decision about what to do with her body is ultimately hers. When a final decision is made, it’s best to start thinking about the next steps, not only for you personally, but also for your relationship.

Here are some links to more information on being a father. If your partner chooses to have an abortion and you need or want to talk with someone about your feelings after the abortion, contact the Exhale hotline.