Sex, Etc. -- How can you tell if someone might become...

How can you tell if someone might become abusive in a relationship?

It’s really hard to tell up front whether someone might become abusive. Abusers can often be very charming in the beginning. That’s why many people get trapped in abusive relationships. They don’t see it coming. By the time they recognize the abuse, they often feel like they’ve caused it. Abusers usually blame their victims for the abuse. They might say things like, “I can’t believe you made me hit you.” That’s how abusers keep their partners afraid and dependent.

There’s a danger in the question, "How can you tell if someone might become abusive in a relationship?". It implies that the person being abused should have known better or somehow known beforehand. That’s just not true. Abuse is always the abuser’s fault.

But, here are some possible red flags. Does the person:

*constantly criticize you, your intelligence, and/or your self-worth?
* act really jealous of you, especially when other people try to talk to you?
* make threats against you or someone you care about?
* try to keep you from having any friends, especially friends they might see as potential romantic competition?
* have problems controlling their temper – even if it’s not directed at you?
* insist that you do something sexual that you don’t want to do, even when you have told them, “No.”

These seem like pretty clear signs, right? Well, not always. Often, abusive people disguise their abuse in flattery and love, at least in the beginning.

Think about it. Your honey gets a little jealous when someone else flirts with you. That’s kinda flattering. But, how do you know when that jealousy becomes a symptom of an abusive relationship? It might start out feeling harmless, but then escalates to the point where it’s unhealthy.

Abusive people can also be very subtle when they isolate you from friends and family. You might not even notice it’s happening. They just say things like, “Let’s go do something, just the two of us.” Or, “I just want to spend time with you.” You may not even realize that your friends have slipped out of the picture. And then, when the trouble begins, there’s no one there to turn to for help or support. The abusive person has isolated you and made you more dependent on him. That’s the whole idea.

There's lot of good info out there on the Web about abusive relationships. You can find more information at Break the Cycle.

Your Comments

when it crosses the line

Posted by: katya_17 on Jul 27th, 2008 1:15am

I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship.
It was the typical honeymoon cycle, and he controlled my
life, he monopolized my time, and convinced me that it's
what i wanted... that is the hardest part, i think. When he
convinces you the abuse is what you think you want, that's
how you get stuck in one of those relationships.

thanks

Posted by: Tottalgreaser on Jan 27th, 2008 10:22pm

Thank you so much this actually happened to me but i broke
up with him like 4 days ago but i dumped him thanks to this.

RE: Help..please.

Posted by: DanR on Dec 21st, 2007 12:18pm

The situation you are describing sounds like it is very
stressful and abusive to you. There are many different
kinds of abuse which you can learn about here:
http://www.sexetc.org/faq/abuse/900. Relationships should
give love, respect, nurturing and appreciation. Exposure to
any kind of abuse for a long time can damage a person's
physical and emotional health. Only you can decide what you
want to do about your relationship, but please know that no
one deserves to be abused in any way.

Help..please.

Posted by: beautyinthebreakdown. on Dec 20th, 2007 5:17pm

I've been with this guy for a little over 6 months now. It
started out great. We started dating in June. So it was over
summer break. So it was just me and him anytime. Then when i
started school it got 1 million times worse. He told me i
cant talk to other guys and that he has someone watching me
then he tells me i cant go out with my friends. He makes me
take pics of what i wear to school everyday. Idk what to do.
Do I dump him? I dont want to. But everyone tells me i
should. Ugh..help PLEASE!

Joke vs. Real

Posted by: queenbeereg on May 30th, 2007 4:58pm

Some people make fun of their partners in a jocking way,
sort of flirtatious in a way. So when does this cross the
line into abuse? I guess when the other person feels
offended. But sometimes you might be hurting someone you
care about and not mean to and not realize it. What is the
boundary line between jokes and abouse??

Abuse?

Posted by: StacieS on Apr 3rd, 2007 4:43pm

Yes, this is abuse. In fact, it sounds like a classic cycle
of abuse in which a partner is sometimes very sweet and
sometimes very mean. That makes it harder to leave :( PLEASE
write to us in Ask in the Experts for more help or visit
this Web site and call their hotline ASAP:
http://www.thesafespace.org/get_help.html You deserve to
feel safe and respected in your relationship. This can
change today. Reach out for help today.

can someone help me

Posted by: die at once45 on Mar 30th, 2007 4:41pm

i have a boyfriend.he can be sweet at times.then he becomes
mean. he punches me and throw me around.of course i hit back
but he stronger than me.is he abusive.just wondering

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