“I go to a school where they teach abstinence-only sex ed. I don't believe in this. People should see both sides of the argument and then make their decisions.”
—Lily, 12, Canada
Intercourse is painful for my girlfriend. What can I do?
The most common cause of painful intercourse is too little vaginal lubrication. When a woman feels sexy, the walls of her vagina respond by giving off a liquid that wets the vagina and makes it easier for the penis to enter.
You may be trying to put your penis in too soon before your girlfriend has had time to become excited enough to become lubricated or "wet." If you are the one initiating sex, it may take your girlfriend time to "catch up with you" in terms of her level of arousal. Sometimes, young men are in too much of a hurry to get to intercourse. There is a lot more to the "art" of sex than that! Be sure to take your time and don't leave out foreplay (kissing and caressing).
You may also need to find out more about what pleases your girlfriend (and she must understand what pleases her so she can tell you!). How does she like to be touched? What turns her on? Do you both understand the role of the clitoris in female sexual response and orgasm?
If you are using a condom (which I hope you are!), you may need to add lubrication. Some water-based lubricants you can buy at the store are K-Y Jelly and Astro Glide. (Don't use Vaseline or Baby Oil, though, because oil-based products cause latex to disintegrate.)
Another reason may be that your girlfriend is tense or worried (this can cause the vaginal entrance to tighten up so that getting a penis in may hurt). Perhaps she is unsure about having sex. Have you had many serious discussions with each other about having sex? Are you sure she really wants to have sexual intercourse? Is she having sex to please herself or to please you? (Having sex only to make you happy is not a good reason for her to have sex.)
Or maybe she is worried about getting pregnant. If you are not protecting her from unintended pregnancy, it will be hard for her to relax and enjoy sex. Sex without birth control for a woman who does not want to become pregnant is almost NEVER a fun experience because she's spending the entire time worrying about possible consequences instead of focusing on the good sensations.
Remember that sex in real life is not like sex in the movies. The way sex is shown on TV and in the movies, it makes it seem like sex is something that magically happens. In real life, even when people understand the basics of sex, there is still plenty of learning that goes on with each new pair of people. It takes time to learn what kinds of touching and what circumstances give you and another person pleasure. It also takes time and some maturity to feel comfortable talking to your partner about what you like and what feels good. Sex takes practice. And practicing at sex is really about practicing at talking, communicating and sharing.
So, if you or your girlfriend are too embarrassed to talk to each other about sex, to go get some books that will help you learn more about sex, or to see a doctor to learn about how to protect yourselves from pregnancy and disease, you might want to reconsider your decision to have sex.
Most of all, don't be in a hurry. There is plenty of time to get around to including intercourse in your sexual encounters. And you want it to feel great for both of you when it finally happens! So go slow!
Finally, it is also important for girls to talk to their gynecologists if they are experiencing pain during intercourse. It is possible that she may have an infection or other medical conditions. Click here to find a clinic if she doesn't already have a regular gynecologist.
You may be trying to put your penis in too soon before your girlfriend has had time to become excited enough to become lubricated or "wet." If you are the one initiating sex, it may take your girlfriend time to "catch up with you" in terms of her level of arousal. Sometimes, young men are in too much of a hurry to get to intercourse. There is a lot more to the "art" of sex than that! Be sure to take your time and don't leave out foreplay (kissing and caressing).
You may also need to find out more about what pleases your girlfriend (and she must understand what pleases her so she can tell you!). How does she like to be touched? What turns her on? Do you both understand the role of the clitoris in female sexual response and orgasm?
If you are using a condom (which I hope you are!), you may need to add lubrication. Some water-based lubricants you can buy at the store are K-Y Jelly and Astro Glide. (Don't use Vaseline or Baby Oil, though, because oil-based products cause latex to disintegrate.)
Another reason may be that your girlfriend is tense or worried (this can cause the vaginal entrance to tighten up so that getting a penis in may hurt). Perhaps she is unsure about having sex. Have you had many serious discussions with each other about having sex? Are you sure she really wants to have sexual intercourse? Is she having sex to please herself or to please you? (Having sex only to make you happy is not a good reason for her to have sex.)
Or maybe she is worried about getting pregnant. If you are not protecting her from unintended pregnancy, it will be hard for her to relax and enjoy sex. Sex without birth control for a woman who does not want to become pregnant is almost NEVER a fun experience because she's spending the entire time worrying about possible consequences instead of focusing on the good sensations.
Remember that sex in real life is not like sex in the movies. The way sex is shown on TV and in the movies, it makes it seem like sex is something that magically happens. In real life, even when people understand the basics of sex, there is still plenty of learning that goes on with each new pair of people. It takes time to learn what kinds of touching and what circumstances give you and another person pleasure. It also takes time and some maturity to feel comfortable talking to your partner about what you like and what feels good. Sex takes practice. And practicing at sex is really about practicing at talking, communicating and sharing.
So, if you or your girlfriend are too embarrassed to talk to each other about sex, to go get some books that will help you learn more about sex, or to see a doctor to learn about how to protect yourselves from pregnancy and disease, you might want to reconsider your decision to have sex.
Most of all, don't be in a hurry. There is plenty of time to get around to including intercourse in your sexual encounters. And you want it to feel great for both of you when it finally happens! So go slow!
Finally, it is also important for girls to talk to their gynecologists if they are experiencing pain during intercourse. It is possible that she may have an infection or other medical conditions. Click here to find a clinic if she doesn't already have a regular gynecologist.
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Your Comments
RE: got bleeding
Posted by: DanR on Aug 4th, 2008 12:30pm
I am not a doctor, so I can not tell you for sure that lack
of lubrication is definitely the problem. In fact, aside
from seeing a health care provider in person, no one online
will be able to tell you for sure what is causing the
bleeding. I can offer some possible scenarios, (like lack or
lubrication or the breaking of the hymen) and suggest trying
a water based personal lubricant, but I can not say for sure
what is specifically causing you to bleed, only a health
care provider can do that.
got bleeding
Posted by: shikha on Aug 3rd, 2008 1:09pm
me n my bf jst started doing sex..nd i got blood 4m my
vagina..its d 1st time it happend..why it happnd? u said 2
sum1else "The most common reason though, is lack
of
lubrication. This could be the problem. If there is
not
enough lubrication, it can cause the vaginal tissues to
tear
and bleed."
is dis was my prob? is evrythn normal.
RE: the hurt wont stop
Posted by: DanR on Jul 23rd, 2008 2:30pm
If it is not lack of lubricant, it can also hurt if she is
nervous and her muscles are tensing up. She may need to
relax a little, which can be difficult because she may be
tense about the thought of it hurting again. In some rare
cases the tissue of the hymen is thick and a medical doctor
can help break the hymen to help ease the discomfort. I
would first try helping your girlfriend to relax, and even
encourage her to try things like masturbating to help relax
and losen up the vaginal area.
RE: baby oil
Posted by: DanR on Jul 23rd, 2008 1:45pm
There are no real dangers to using baby oil if you are not
using condoms, however, a water based personal lubricant
would certainly be a better option. The reason for this is
because baby oil may not break down as easily as a water
based lubricant and can therefore clog your pores which can
cause irritation. I would suggest only using baby oil once
in a while, but not as a regular, ongoing method of
lubrication.
the hurt wont stop
Posted by: Eoupe on Jul 23rd, 2008 4:25am
i have had sex with my girlfriend 3 times and every time it
hurts her alot. . . it is not lack of lube we think it is
the hymen but it just wont tare why is that and what can we
do?
RE: sex hurts me
Posted by: DanR on Jul 22nd, 2008 12:27pm
There are a couple reasons that sex can be painful. If you
are nervous, it will cause your muscles to tighten up and
that can cause pain. The most common reason though, is lack
of lubrication. This could be the problem. If there is not
enough lubrication, it can cause the vaginal tissues to tear
and bleed. If this does not help, you may want to see a
health care provider to make sure there are not any other
reasons that this is happening.
RE: sex for the first time
Posted by: no_name on Jul 17th, 2008 11:04am
i'm assuming your talking just vaginal sex. it's probably
different for everyone. for me, it only hurt for the first
few minutes (and on that scale it was only a 6, 10 being the
most painful). for others, it might be really painful, tho i
haven't heard any cases where they couldn't walk or stand.
anal sex hurts a lot more tho. for me the first time was a
10, but with the right lube, it doesn't hurt as much or at
all
baby oil
Posted by: no_name on Jul 17th, 2008 10:55am
my boyfriend and i use baby oil as lube. i know not to mix
baby oil and condoms, but we don't use them. i also know the
risks of not using condoms (we both got tested, and i'm on
the pill). i'm just wondering if using baby oil is a bad
idea, like is it safe?
sex hurts me
Posted by: retroxbarney on Jul 16th, 2008 6:37pm
I bled for a week when i lost my virginity. After that, the
bleeding stopped.
I recently started having sex with a
different guy thats "larger down there".
Everytime i have
sex with him, I bleed and its painful. even when we're
careful, it still hurts and i still bleed. i dont know what
were doing wrong.
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Hah!
Posted by: Lizzyislikewoah on Aug 25th, 2008 3:37am
Yes! For my first time it really felt weird and hurt. 2nd
time, it was WAY better and felt the way it should. I really
think it's all in the brain. You need to be comfortable and
loose. I don't think I was ready, but 2nd time I got much
more comfortable with the idea... and it was great!