What's it like to be gay in high school? To find out Sex, Etc. interviewed Jenny Carlson, a recent college graduate who is now a middle and high school teacher in New York State.

Q: When did you know you were gay?

I guess when I was about 15 I started noticing other girls in sexual ways, though at the time I would never have called myself gay. The feelings and thoughts I was having may have been confusing, but I was sure of one thing: I did not want to be gay. This made life pretty tough. It wasn't until my freshman year in college that I truly allowed myself to feel OK about my attraction to women, and only then was I able to be in a secure and comfortable relationship with a woman. Before that point I was spending most of my energy trying to convince myself that I wasn't gay. 

Q: Did you choose to be gay?

I used to get mad when this question was asked; why would a person choose to be rejected, persecuted, yelled at, ridiculed, and sometimes physically attacked by a large part of society? The question just seemed really ignorant. 

But there is another way of interpreting the question which changes the answer. I do choose to act on my attraction to women. You could make an analogy to hunger. If you're hungry, you're hungry. You didn't choose to be, but you have a choice about what to do about it. You can eat and satisfy a basic necessity or you can starve and suffer. After starving and suffering for a number of years, I have chosen to be who I am, a gay woman. 

Q: Then you weren't openly gay in high school?

No way. I just wasn't ready. I mean, I couldn't admit to myself that I was gay, let alone the whole school. I was lucky in a lot of ways, though. I had a few close friends who knew and a couple of teachers that I confided in, so I knew that when I needed to talk there were people there for me. My mom knew everything right from the beginning and she was great too. While there were people who accepted me and supported me, I never saw any normal, happy people who were "out" or open about their sexuality. I think it's really important for people to see that. 

I was also lucky that I didn't experience any open hostility from my peers as a result of my sexuality. I'm sure that people knew, but I was involved in a lot of school activities and was friends with a lot of people, and that probably helped prevent me from being openly put down. I realize now that I was a lucky exception; lots of gay kids experience social torture because of their sexuality. 

Q: Did you date in high school?

Yes. I dated mostly guys, but a few girls too. I was definitely attracted to some of the guys I dated and they were caring relationships, but whenever I compare my feelings for guys I dated with my feelings for women, it's clear that my strongest feelings have been for women. 

I dated a woman on and off for three years in high school. We were best friends and when I wasn't freaking out about the whole thing, we were lovers. The first time we kissed I was turned on, but I was also really confused. I didn't know what it meant and I cried a lot. 

Q: When did you "come out"?

Well, coming out is actually a never-ending process, so I'm still "coming out." In fact being interviewed for this newsletter is a big step for me! Talk about coming out...I don't even know exactly who I'm coming out to! Anyway, the first step in the process is always coming out to yourself, and like I said before, that happened to me my first year in college. It wasn't one, isolated earth-shattering event. It was actually sort of a mental process -- I just needed to think a lot about what I really felt. In the end, I finally accepted the fact that it was OK if I was attracted to a man, and yes, it was OK if I was attracted to a woman. Sigh. It doesn't sound like a big deal to me now, but this was a huge realization for me at the time. 

"I accepted the fact that it was okay if I was attracted to a man and yes, it was OK if I was attracted to a woman." 

Another big step for me was going to an LGBA (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Alliance) dance and some meetings. I saw that there was a whole group of people who knew exactly what I was going through. It was cool to see a group of people so comfortable with themselves and their sexuality, people who had the courage to come out and talk publicly about being gay. 

Today, "coming out" for me means educating others. It's important for people, especially young people, to get the facts instead of relying on myths and stereotypes originated by people who just don't know any better. People who are dealing with their sexuality need to know that being gay, bi or straight doesn't affect what kind of person they are or how successful they can be; and people who are secure in their sexuality, whether gay, bi or straight, need to support those who are having trouble. I think it's extremely important for people to see positive gay role models. 

Many people are afraid of saying something insensitive or sounding stupid to someone who is gay. What do people do that you find offensive? Of course the overt stuff--put downs, slurs and negative generalizations about gay people--is hurtful. Then there are more subtle things that aren't really offensive, but definitely show that people aren't even aware of gay issues or people who are gay. 

The most common thing is when someone asks me if I have a boyfriend. They are automatically assuming that I am straight. Gay people have to make decisions on a daily basis about how "out" they are going to be, and this is one of those times. Do I say no, which is the truth, but sure isn't the whole truth? Do I say yes, and lie but feel like I am being somewhat truthful because what the person probably wants to know is whether or not I am involved with anyone romantically? Do I sort of nod and say that I've been involved with someone for three years, trying to dodge the gendered part of the question but still give a true answer? Or do I say no, but I have a girlfriend, and tell this person that I am gay? 

It's weird because this usually happens in friendly conversation with someone I am just getting to know. It seems like such a natural, inoffensive question, but ends up putting me in a tough spot. To avoid situations like this, it's better to use non-gendered terms when you don't know for sure about someone's sexuality. For example, "Are you dating anyone?" 

Q: Do you mind people asking you questions about being gay?

Not at all. In fact, I enjoy answering people's questions because it gives me a chance to dispel some of the stereotypes and supply some facts or insights they may not have had. Besides, it's natural for people to have questions about things they haven't personally experienced or learned about. 

Also, when someone asks a question it means that my being gay has become kind of a non-issue. Not that everyone who asks me questions has no problems with gay issues, but they are usually willing and open enough to deal with the questions they have and learn more about it. Instead of creating an awkward situation, as some people might think, conversations about sexuality help break down walls and allow people to get to know each other much better. 

Q: What advice would you give our readers?

Look beyond the labels that society puts on people. Take time to discover commonalties and celebrate differences. No one is just athletic, just intelligent, just funny, just Latino or just Jewish. Likewise, no one is just gay.