“No matter how much you like a guy or how much he says he loves you, don't let him take over your mind. Think for yourself, and speak up when you know something is wrong.”
—Fran, 14, New Jersey
Older Guys: Dreamy or Dangerous?
Originally Published: Feb 24, 2004
Revised: Oct 11, 2006
Dionne was 15 when she met her boyfriend. He was 23.
She fell for him. Age didn't seem to matter.
Now, two years later, she is pregnant and her boyfriend is pressuring her to have an abortion. She can't turn to her mother for help. The two were once close, but the relationship has caused major rifts. Even her brother, who was once her true bud, is no longer on her side.
Dionne isn't sure what she wants, but she says she feels pressure to satisfy both her mother and boyfriend. She doesn't know how it will all turn out.
And Dionne is only one of thousands of teen girls who become pregnant with an older guy. According to one study, 65 percent of teen moms age 15 to 19 have children fathered by men who were at least 20 years old. In 20 percent of the cases, the fathers were at least six years older, according to the survey, conducted by the Alan Guttmacher Institute in New York City.
This is especially true for girls who haven't had much love at home or, even worse, who have been sexually abused by someone who was supposed to love them, says Patricia Nardone, who works with teen moms at the Children's Home Society, in Trenton, NJ.
But fab as he may seem at first, what usually happens is that these guys give their young partners diseases, get them pregnant or both. And then they move on, many experts say.
That's what happened to Tara, now 20, a young mother infected with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. "I thought I was going to marry him, but when I told him I was pregnant, he left,'' she says.
So, who are these guys? And why are they interested in younger girls? That picture is a little sketchy. Usually, they haven't finished school. They don't have very good jobs and they use younger girls to make themselves feel stronger, more powerful.
If you're dating an older guy, you're probably thinking, "Not my honey.'' These older Romeo's are often pretty good at making their girlfriends feel secure at least for awhile.
But beware, because most of the time they're looking for a free ride with someone who's not going to give them a hard time, says Nardone. They're also looking to have sex with a girl who hasn't had many partners and is probably disease-free.
Some states are starting to crack down on older guys who impregnate teen girls—either forcing them to marry (a controversial solution) or putting them in prison or on probation.
Some say that stricter laws, along with education, will send a strong message to these men, who, after all, are the adults and should be acting more responsibly. But while we're waiting for that to happen, girlfriends, be on guard. He may not be as dreamy as all that.
She fell for him. Age didn't seem to matter.
Now, two years later, she is pregnant and her boyfriend is pressuring her to have an abortion. She can't turn to her mother for help. The two were once close, but the relationship has caused major rifts. Even her brother, who was once her true bud, is no longer on her side.
Dionne isn't sure what she wants, but she says she feels pressure to satisfy both her mother and boyfriend. She doesn't know how it will all turn out.
And Dionne is only one of thousands of teen girls who become pregnant with an older guy. According to one study, 65 percent of teen moms age 15 to 19 have children fathered by men who were at least 20 years old. In 20 percent of the cases, the fathers were at least six years older, according to the survey, conducted by the Alan Guttmacher Institute in New York City.
Looking for Love
So what's going on? A lot of teen girls see older guys as the answer to their dating dreams. After all, he usually has more money and a car. He seems experienced, older and wiser, like somebody you can really count on for the long haul.This is especially true for girls who haven't had much love at home or, even worse, who have been sexually abused by someone who was supposed to love them, says Patricia Nardone, who works with teen moms at the Children's Home Society, in Trenton, NJ.
But fab as he may seem at first, what usually happens is that these guys give their young partners diseases, get them pregnant or both. And then they move on, many experts say.
That's what happened to Tara, now 20, a young mother infected with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. "I thought I was going to marry him, but when I told him I was pregnant, he left,'' she says.
So, who are these guys? And why are they interested in younger girls? That picture is a little sketchy. Usually, they haven't finished school. They don't have very good jobs and they use younger girls to make themselves feel stronger, more powerful.
If you're dating an older guy, you're probably thinking, "Not my honey.'' These older Romeo's are often pretty good at making their girlfriends feel secure at least for awhile.
But beware, because most of the time they're looking for a free ride with someone who's not going to give them a hard time, says Nardone. They're also looking to have sex with a girl who hasn't had many partners and is probably disease-free.
Breaking the Law
You should also know that it's against the law for adults to have sex with a minor. Sex between an adult and a minor is called "statutory rape." (The age of a minor varies state to state, click here to find out the age in your state.)Some states are starting to crack down on older guys who impregnate teen girls—either forcing them to marry (a controversial solution) or putting them in prison or on probation.
Some say that stricter laws, along with education, will send a strong message to these men, who, after all, are the adults and should be acting more responsibly. But while we're waiting for that to happen, girlfriends, be on guard. He may not be as dreamy as all that.
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Your Comments
RE: WORRIED
Posted by: DanR on Jun 1st, 2009 3:49pm
You would have to check out the laws for your particular
state. Check out this link about age on consent laws:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_in_North_Americ
a. In many states, I do not think that this relationship
would be consider legal, so there could be very big legal
consequences for your boyfriend. You should both do some
research together. It may turn out that if you really love
him, the best idea is to wait so that he doesn't find
himself in a bad situation.
WORRIED
Posted by: Roxy13 on May 28th, 2009 3:39pm
IM 13 my boyfriend is 17 I love him and don't feel
pressured. I want to have sex with him but im afraid he
will go to jail.
RE: idk wat 2 do
Posted by: DanR on Apr 27th, 2009 3:33pm
Please see my response to your question on this page:
http://www.sexetc.org/faq/853.
idk wat 2 do
Posted by: leahbug on Apr 23rd, 2009 5:43pm
i know this guy hes like my friend's step brother and he
kinda likes me and wants to go out we talked b4 he asked me
b4 but then the other day he asked me out we was going 2 go
out but there r 2 BIG promblems 1 not only is he older and
but 2 be and adult(by law)but hes also my ex big cuz and the
only reason we not going out yet iz cuz i dont want 2 be
known as the girl that goes round the family so he said
thats its cool but we stil want 2 go out HELP
PPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RE: me...helllllppppppppp!!!!!
Posted by: DanR on Mar 24th, 2009 2:48pm
I am sure that this must be tough for you, but the thing
that you have to remember is that there can be some big
legal consequences for him if the two of you had any kind of
physical relationship. If you really care about each other
and want what is best for each other, you have to separate
and not let this relationship go any further. If it is true
love and it is meant to be, you will find each other again
in the future when you can both legally be together. Be
strong!
me...helllllppppppppp!!!!!
Posted by: meme_thestar_09 on Mar 21st, 2009 1:12am
im 14 and i like a 20 year old...he said i was pretty...and
i fell for him the minute i saw him and he fell for
me...everytime we see eachother we cant get our eyes off
each other...but we cant date now because of my age....i
think i actually might love him.... help
dem older guy r ALL da SAME
Posted by: chav3ly on Feb 5th, 2009 8:44pm
I dated an older guy he was only 2 years older he tried 2
use me az abootycall. He'd break up wid me then call me to
go to hiz house til one day early morning I blocked him 4rom
ma life nd cellphone!
dating a older guy well used to date
Posted by: maniak18 on Jan 16th, 2009 9:44pm
i used to date a guy who was 4 years older then me and we
went out for a week and then we broke up. i hate being to
young for older guys but i really dont care bout age that
much !!!
Not all its cracked up to be
Posted by: aripod on Oct 17th, 2008 11:03pm
Older guys tend to be more experienced and even though most
younger girls, including myself still seem to fall for them.
All the guys my age don't attract me, b/c they're so
immature! The point is, older guys been around, so it's a
lot easier for us to believe everything they say, esp. if
it's what we want to hear. I'm 15 and I dated a 23 yr. old,
the point is, we had sex and now he's gone....you shouldn't
risk it, b/c the majority of those guys just want something
fast and easy...
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Same situation
Posted by: awkwardturtlesperform on Jun 28th, 2009 11:59am
I used to be "in love" with an older guy (around the age of
23 as well) and I thought I was head over heels in love with
him. I loved EVERYTHING about him and even wanted his
babies. But then he got a gf - around his own age - and I
took a step back to look at what I was doing: I was crushing
on a man 8 years my senior! We eventually grew apart and I
haven't spoken to him since. But he's the sweetest guy I've
ever met.