Abortion: A Young Woman's Decision, But a Couple's Dilemma

By Thom Pasculli, 17, Staff Writer

Originally Published: Feb 24, 2004

Revised: Jan 29, 2007

When 16-year-old Sha’aqua learned that she was pregnant, it blew her mind. She wasn’t even going steady with the guy she’d had sex with. And since it was painfully obvious to her that she was not going to keep the baby, why bother getting the guy involved?

Photography by Dan Strang

She felt that there was no way she could have this baby. So, she terminated the pregnancy. When she finally told her partner, he said he wanted the baby. But it was too late.

Sha’aqua had no legal obligation to tell her partner about her pregnancy or her plans to terminate it. In Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court decided that the choice of whether to carry a pregnancy to term is essentially a woman’s decision. And, in the case of Planned Parenthood v. Casey, the Supreme Court ruled that a husband has no constitutional right even to be notified of his wife’s decision.

Even when a guy is told, his opinion may not matter. Francis, 20, from Washington, D.C., knew his girlfriend was going to have an abortion, but couldn’t do anything about it. He disapproves of abortions, but he couldn’t convince his girlfriend.

“Even animals protect their babies,” he says. “Why can’t guys?”

What Can a Guy Do?

So, what can a guy do? Take precautions. Be responsible and talk. A guy needs to figure out how he feels about abortion and talk to his partner about it before a pregnancy happens, says Phyllis Kinsler, president of Planned Parenthood of Central New Jersey.

“If you know how you feel beforehand, you may act more responsibly because the alternatives aren’t acceptable,” she says.

In other words, if you and your partner have a major disagreement about what to do if a pregnancy occurs, you shouldn’t have unprotected sex, or sex at all because a pregnancy is always possible.

Adam, 16, of South Carolina learned that lesson the hard way. He was relieved that his girlfriend, Nikki, also 16, decided to have an abortion. But, he says, “She later told me that she regrets the decision and would never have another abortion, even though she knows having a baby would ruin both of our lives. That makes me worry like hell about ever making love to her again.” (Since the abortion, Nikki has decided to abstain from sex.)

Because the final decision about the outcome of a pregnancy is the woman’s, a guy has to talk with his partner ahead of time if he wants to participate in her decision, says Kinsler. And, of course, guys should also do everything they can to prevent pregnancy in the first place, she says.

A Guy’s Role in the Process

What if a guy’s partner has already decided to have an abortion, and he agrees? How can he be supportive?

Jane Eisner recently wrote a column about that issue in the Philadelphia Inquirer. In many abortions, she wrote, the man wants to be involved, yet there’s no role for him. A majority of men want to be with the woman when she has an abortion, for example, but only a small number of clinics allows men to be present.

Kinsler has seen guys be supportive by gathering information, providing transportation, and waiting at the clinic during the procedure.

The amount of support a guy gives depends on the relationship, and the effort the guy is willing to put in. The pregnancy is the woman’s burden to bear, but the man has a right and a responsibility to care for his partner and needs to be allowed to do so.

No Easy Answer

“For good or ill, sex changes a relationship,” says Kinsler.

So, imagine what a pregnancy can do. What kind of toll does this take on a relationship?

Adam says that his girlfriend’s pregnancy “started to make our relationship crumble; it seems like it could’ve broken us up.”

Abortion is not an easy answer. Nikki and Adam say that going through an abortion caused them a lot of pain, and the only reason they are willing to speak about their experience is to help others.

No one can say what will happen to a couple if they are put through the trial of a pregnancy. But so much pain can be avoided if a couple takes time to talk about the consequences of their choices ahead of time and either decides not to have sex or to do everything possible to avoid pregnancy.

Everyone wants to reduce the number of abortions performed each year, particularly among teens. Here’s what Sex, Etc. editorial staff have to say on the subject.

Teens should receive more formal education on safe sex and phone numbers and locations of Planned Parenthood outlets. Also, schools should make information regarding contraceptives more readily available. —Cassie Wolfe, 17

Reducing teen abortion really goes hand in hand with reducing teen pregnancy. Ways to do this include not having sex (that’s pretty obvious) and protecting yourself (with barrier methods, like condoms, and hormonal contraceptives, like the Pill). If you do get pregnant, consider adoption. —Emily Chaloner, 15

Create more health clinics so all teens have access to accurate and adequate information about sex. Develop healthy parent—teen relationships, so a teen doesn’t feel pressured to have an abortion simply because she’s afraid of retribution from her parents.

Develop healthy teen—to—teen relationships, so that it’s not considered “uncool” to use contraception. Establish federal programs that assist teens in need, so they can avoid having abortions (adoption, welfare, etc.). —Carlos Alvarez, 17

Talk—with partner, friends, parents—about possible consequences, including abortion, before having sex! After pregnancy, counseling and parent involvement may help. I think it’s most important that teens take responsibility before the act. —Thom Pasculli, 18

Sex, Etc. Editors Weigh In

Everyone wants to reduce the number of abortions performed each year, particularly among teens. Here’s what Sex, Etc. teen editors have to say on the subject.