It was after receiving my third C in math, a subject I always excelled in, that I realized change was on the horizon. I’d just gotten into my first real relationship, with a boy my age, and I was having a great deal of trouble balancing out my life.


We’d been going out for five months, and in that small amount of time, the relationship took a great toll on my grades, which plummeted. I needed to learn to manage my time better: less talking on the phone with my boyfriend, less chatting online, less hanging out, more commitment, more comprehension, and more time for school stuff.

I decided to have a serious talk with my boyfriend. I wanted to explain that I needed more time alone to finish my assignments, and that school had to come first. He agreed that it was best to focus on school. He said he understood.

Signs of Trouble

But I realized much later that he didn’t understand. By the end of the marking period, my math average was at an all-time low of B-. Every time I told my boyfriend that it was time to hit the books, stop talking on the phone, or go home and study, he was persistent about wanting to stay, talk, and be with me. He wouldn’t leave me alone.

He always complained that I didn’t care about him as much, or have enough time anymore. He said I was selfish. Or he used that sweet voice that drove me crazy. He’d be so “cute” that I just gave in. When I’d stop him in the middle of a sentence to say I only had a few minutes, he’d quickly respond by saying something deep, sparking an intense conversation that lingered for another hour.

My boyfriend was possessive, too, even when I was with my friends. He’d call me when I was at their houses and pretend I wasn’t busy with them. He’d get mad if I went a few hours without talking to him. He’d yell at me and force me to talk to him for a few minutes.

“Talk to me now, please, because I’m going to go insane if you don’t,” he’d say.

He never said he’d kill himself, but he acted like his life depended on me. When I was alone with him, I felt trapped and alone. I felt a “dis-ease,” which is one of the first signs of an unhealthy relationship.

After a few months, my friends and family convinced me to take a break. They said he was “taking over” my life and acting as if he “owned” me. They thought it was best to separate for the time being.

My mom and dad helped me see that I was crying more than smiling with him in my life. My siblings helped me realize it was a big problem that needed to be dealt with. (Even though you may think your parents don’t understand and siblings are just annoying, your family is a big part of who you are and what you have in the end.)

“Often our friends or family can see things about our partners that we don’t see. Sometimes ’love is blind’ indeed, and we need our friends to help us see accurately,” says Bob Selverstone, Ph.D., a psychologist from Westport, CT, who works with teens on relationship issues.

My relationship was unhealthy. I wasn’t being respected, a key ingredient in any healthy relationship. My boyfriend was also possessive, meaning he tried to take control over me and limit my life. A possessive partner doesn’t feel secure.

“If your boyfriend or girlfriend tells you not to look at or talk with another eligible person, then it means he or she is insecure about your feelings and the relationship,” explains Selverstone.

When a partner acts possessively, it is also a form of psychological and emotional abuse, and his or her actions can cause harm.

Facing the Facts

I knew I had to talk with my boyfriend about his behavior. In any relationship, communication with a partner is important.

When communicating about a difficult situation with a partner, Selverstone advises staying away from “you statements”—like “You’re too possessive,” and “You never let me do what I want,” or “What’s wrong with you?”

Instead, he advises using “I statements.” These include, “I need more time to do things alone,” or “I need more space and freedom.”

“Laying blame on someone is not going to solve the problem, so it’s wise to stick with the ’I statements,’” says Selverstone.

If you communicate your feelings, and it still proves useless, then you may want to break things off. If your partner doesn’t understand your position, ask yourself, “Is there a point in being in this relationship?”

And if you’re in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, you should definitely talk with a trusted adult about breaking things off.

I tried talking with my boyfriend, but he didn’t understand. I explained to him how he was overbearing and tearing me apart. He begged me to not to break up with him. I yelled; he yelled. But in the end, he realized that it was best to let go. He finally accepted it.

Moving On

Sometimes, even now, it hurts me to look back and see the pain my boyfriend put me through. I was scared to let go of him and be on my own, but I knew we were stunting each other’s growth.

I felt empty for a while, because I was sort of going “cold turkey,” but it was the right thing to do. I pushed to keep going without him, because I knew it was right and I had the support of my family and friends.

Since then, I’ve learned that love doesn’t need to hurt, and you can have pleasure without pain. I’m glad I went through an unhealthy relationship, because now I can limit myself to healthy ones. And I have the will to be my own person.

If you’re in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, you must reach out for help. Turn to a trustworthy adult or friend. Tell him/her your secrets, for as the saying goes, “You’re as sick as your secrets.”

Are you in a psychologically or emotionally abusive relationship?

Does your guy or girl get upset when you spend time with your friends? Does he or she threaten to leave you in unsafe places? Does he or she try to control what you do? These are early warning signs that you’re in an abusive situation.

Some other signs are when your guy or girl:

* Threatens or intimidates you
* Puts you down
* Tells your secrets
* Is jealous and possessive
* Isolates you from friends and family
* Destroys your gifts, clothes, letters
* Damages your car, home, or other prized possessions

Editors' Note: It’s important to get help if you’re in an abusive relationship or are wondering if you are in an abusive relationship. Call the the Break the Cycle Hotline at 1-888.988.TEEN. For more info on the hotline, visit www.breakthecycle.org/.

Source: American Psychological Association, Love Doesn’t Have to Hurt Teens. This brochure is available here.