Joe never hit Tara, never pushed her around or forced her to have sex. She had no broken bones, no bruises that anyone could see.

But Tara was abused. Her wounds were on the inside. The New Jersey teen was a victim of emotional abuse, a form of abuse that many don't regard as real abuse. But it is.

Name calling, threats and put-downs can make someone feel unworthy, unloved and needy, explains Barbara Levy, a counselor at the Jersey Battered Women's Service, Inc. Abusers often humiliate their victims in public or twist situations so that it is always the victims' fault. They play mind games. They make their partners feel crazy. They ignore their partners or give them the silent treatment.  All in the name of love.

Adapted from Youmayberight06 Creative Commons Attribution License

"Sometimes teens get into these bad relationships because they think they're in love, but really they are in love with the idea of being in love," says Levy. "The act of love is to say, 'I want you to be who you are.' The act of abuse is to say, 'I want you to be who I want you to be.'"

And so, emotional abuse, like physical violence, is all about control.

Abusers use psychological games and verbal attacks to make their victims feel totally unworthy and completely dependent on them. Unfortunately, it works way too often.

Some emotionally abused people begin to buy into the idea that they are no good, that everywthing is their fault and that no one else would ever want to date them. They start to feel trapped in a hurtful relationship.

A Rocky Relationship

For Tara, the emotional abuse started a couple of months after she began dating Joe during her freshman year in high school. He started to say bad things about her family and friends. Often he would call Tara names, throwing obscenities that hit as hard as any fist. 

Tara endured it. She was afraid of losing him. And the abuse started to work. She felt guilty whenever he got mad. 

"He used to hang up on me and I would call him back to apologize," says Tara. "Things were really messed up."

Even though emotional abuse can exist by itself, it's important to know that people who abuse emotionally often end up physically hurting their victims, Levy added. And just like physical abuse, emotional abuse can happen to anyone at any age. It can happen to guys, too. 

Breaking Free

Tara knew something was wrong nine months after she started dating Joe. She wanted to be with him all the time, even though he hurt her. "It was like I was addicted to him," she remembers. 

Her friends told her she needed to do something about it. "I realized I would be stuck with a future I didn't want if I didn't get out of the relationship," she says.

Tara's parents also gave her a push. They told her she couldn't see Joe anymore. But he kept trying to contact her, so they got a restraining order against him. Joe had to stay away from Tara or risk being arrested.

Tara took the right steps before ending her relationship. She set up a support system---getting the help of her parents and friends and using the courts to protect her from Joe. That's really important because sometimes abusers can turn violent when they know they're losing control of their victim.

Here are other steps you should take before ending an abusive relationship:

• Talk to your parents or another trusted adult.
• Be sure you have a safe place to stay where your abuser can't find you alone.
• Always go places with a friend or adult. 
• Hang with buds who are supportive of your decision to get out of the relationship.
• Let the police know about the situation, especially if your abuser becomes violent.
• Stay busy.

"Get involved in school activities, go out with friends, spend time with your family---anything to keep yourself active and happy and your mind off that person," advises Levy.

And remember, there are happy endings. Tara now has a new boyfriend who respects her, gives her space and likes her for who she is. That is, after all, what love is all about. 

To find help or for more information, check out the teen relationships Web site Break the Cycle or call their hotline at 1-888.988.TEEN.