As I started to wake up, I knew what had happened. My body was frozen. I was in a state of shock, in denial. Of course he would never hurt me. He's my boyfriend, the one who “adores” me. It couldn't be. It had to be a bad dream.

I am a date rape victim. Something I never thought I would be able to admit. My mother always warned me about the dangers. I would always roll my eyes. I thought I knew everything.

Unfortunately, I was completely wrong.

“Ideal” Guy

I met Kevin* my freshman year. I’d had one boyfriend, a really innocent relationship. Kevin was the “ideal” guy. He was a year older than me, popular, good-looking and a real gentleman. He would tell me how much he loved and cared about me. I thought he was perfect.

But my mother did not like him. She forbade me to see him. I should have listened, but I loved Kevin.

Photo by Robert Vitulano

Under Pressure

Five months into our relationship, we were in his room making out and he asked if we could have sex. I knew I wasn’t ready and declined. He was OK with it, for that day.

Then he kept asking me. I continued to say “no.” He accused me of not caring about him. I reassured him that I did love him, but it was a big thing for me. We argued about it. I finally told him that, fine, I would soon be ready—although I knew I wasn’t ready at all.
My parents started to be stricter. I barely went out, and Kevin couldn’t call my house. He started to complain. So I decided to wait until my parents fell asleep and sneak out.

That Night

I said goodnight to my parents and waited for Kevin. I became extremely nervous. I thought about backing out, but I didn’t want to let him down. Finally, Kevin came by, but something didn’t feel right at all. I tried to ignore it.

We got to his house, and I started watching TV. Meanwhile Kevin was in his bathroom for about an hour. I found it strange, but I was too nervous to realize what was happening.

Kevin came out of the bathroom with a cup. He told me it had a little bit of liquor and just to drink it. I hesitated, but I didn’t want to appear like a little girl, so I drank it all. I noticed that Kevin didn’t have anything to drink. In ten minutes I became drowsy. I decided to lie down on his bed. Last thing I remember was Kevin turning off the lights.

When I woke up, I felt my body had been violated. I was in pain, and I knew something had gone horribly wrong. As I struggled to put on my clothes, I realized he had ripped my jeans. I couldn’t understand why he would do that to me. I thought he loved me. He came into the bedroom and, with a smile on his face, asked me how I felt. I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

Getting Help

At first I made excuses for Kevin, like it was just a “mistake.” But someone you love should never violate you.

It took me two years to tell my parents. I was terrified at what they would think. They went into denial. My mother swore I was lying, and my father acted like none of it was happening. This devastated me, but I knew deep inside they cared. They took me to therapy, which is where I found closure.

I eventually reported the rape to the authorities. I knew that if I didn’t do anything about it, Kevin would get another victim. I wanted to know that I did something to get justice.

It’s extremely important for rape victims to report it as soon as possible, so we can get at least one rapist off the streets. I urge victims to seek help. Please know that rape is not your fault and you did not ask for it. It’s not healthy to keep it bottled in. I know it’s extremely difficult to say you’re a victim. But in order to continue your life and have closure, you need to find help.

Trust me, you are not alone.

Help for Rape Survivors

If you’ve been raped, go to a safe place first and then get help. To report the crime, call the police. Then call someone you trust who can offer support as you get medical help and counseling. For help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or go to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network Web site.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy