Are you turned on? Then you have a sex drive (or “libido”), a biological need for sexual activity. But what causes you to act on your sex drive, and proceed or not proceed with caution? If you’re a guy, shouldn’t you want sex with any girl, 24/7? If you’re a girl, shouldn’t you be “good” (not a “slut”) and take it slow with one guy?

Photo by Charline Tetiyevsky Creative Commons Attribution License

Oftentimes, we make sexual decisions based on these stereotypes. Teens get very different, unfair messages from their families, peers, and society about how to handle their sex drives. But it’s important to remember that not everyone has the same sex drive, and factors that have nothing to do with biology can take center stage when it comes to our sexual choices.

Feeling the Pressure

“I don’t always want sex,” says David, 17, from Memphis, Tennessee, who’s been in a three-year relationship. “But because I’m a guy with a penis that often stiffens up, my girlfriend thinks that I want sex all the time. I just like to be close to her sometimes — that’s all.”

David isn’t the only guy confronted with stereotypes about male behavior.

“Guys at my lunch table talk about sex all the time, as if it’s a joke,” says Doug, 16, from New Jersey, “It bothers me ’cause not all guys like girls just for sex, but most people think that.”

Pepper Schwartz, Professor of Sociology at the University of Washington, says that young men are under more pressure to engage in sex, and get less criticism if they have it, which can make sex more central in their minds and lives. She also believes that the difference in potential consequences of sex can account for a seeming difference in sex drive.

“Oftentimes, sex is more of an investment for young women,” she says, “given that they could spend nine months pregnant, plus the next 18 years as primary caretakers of a child.”

Seventeen-year-old Erica, from New Jersey, agrees.

“It’s different for a girl because in the end she could get pregnant,” she says. “She has the responsibility to say ’no’ to sex.”

But a young man also opens himself up to serious consequences when he has intercourse without protection. He’s taking the chance that he’ll become a father before he’s ready and legally responsible for child support payments until his child turns 18.

“Sexual access means status for a male,” says Lionel Tiger, Professor of Anthropology at Rutgers University in New Jersey. “A female that is sexually accessible is considered negatively. Some guys will have sex with anyone, get up and leave. Females will be more cautious, and they have to be. Girls can get pregnant, and it’s easier for them to get a sexually transmitted disease.”

Yet many young women feel they aren’t “allowed” to have sex just for pleasure. Many times, when young women act on their sex drives, their peers label them “sluts.”

In every culture, there’s a tendency among people to judge women as either pure or “trampy,” writes Natalie Angier in Woman: An Intimate Geography.

“Women are said to have lower sex drives than men,” she writes, “yet they are universally punished if they display evidence to the contrary – if they disobey their ’natural’ inclination toward a stifled libido.”

Dealing with the Double Standard

So, how can teens cope with both healthy sex drives and double standards? Be clear and cautious about your choices, and communicate with your partner.

“If you find yourself fantasizing about sex a lot and getting aroused looking at or thinking about someone, it’s obvious that you have a healthy sex drive,” says Schwartz. “The next step is to think about what this means and not get involved or active just because the urge is there. Teens need to have a mature approach to sex before sex begins — even if the feelings are there.”

Try to understand why you want to act on your sexual urges. Are you engaging in sexual activity because you’re ready and want to, or because you feel pressured? Are you scared to be sexually active because you might be unfairly judged? Be aware of the double standards that exist, and challenge people who use stereotypes.  And remember: whether you abstain from sex or practice safer sex, be true to yourself and understand the consequences of your choices.

National correspondent Crystal Craft, of Memphis, Tennessee, contributed to this article.