“Some days, I cry because I feel like a puppet my parents control. They never let me do what I want. Whenever I try to talk to them, they just yell at me and refuse to listen. I hate it. I get so upset. I wish there were some way for them to understand that it’s my life.”


Paula, 17, of Hamilton, NJ, understands the parent-teen struggle too well. Her parents won’t allow her to attend college far away, choose her own major, or drive more than five miles from home.

When asked if she’s ever talked to her parents about sex, Paula exclaims, “No! They get so mad at me for bringing up that word that I feel really uncomfortable talking to them about it at all.”

Paula wishes her parents would talk to her about sex, so she wouldn’t have to make decisions alone. But she also thinks that parents shouldn’t always have a say in their teens’ choices.

“I understand that my parents are concerned, but they have to loosen up,” she says.

Tough Choices

The teen years are when we question our values and need guidance in making choices. Sometimes, though, our parents/guardians have their own opinions about our lives. There is often a struggle between teens and parents about when parents should butt out of teens’ lives.

Ana Garcia, 18, of Newark, NJ, believes parents should always butt into teens’ lives.

“While you live under your parents’ roof, they will always butt in. Parents should always have a say, because it’s their job,” says Garcia.

Tim, 17, of Hamilton NJ, agrees.

“It’s part of raising a child,” he says.

But Tim’s parents have actually stayed out of his own decisions, even about sex.

“I’ve talked with my parents very little about sex, and they probably should have talked to me more, because they don’t know exactly how much I know,” he says.

Abby Foster, 18, of New York City, thinks that parents should butt in, but she’s also experienced what can happen when parents butt in the wrong way.

She and her mom used to be best friends.

“I would tell her everything. When she got home from work, I would give her a complete account of my day. But things are different now. She says it’s because when my boyfriend came into my life I shut her out, but that’s not how I see it,” says Foster.

Foster says that when she and her boyfriend of three years first started getting serious, her mom kept butting in about sex.

“She didn’t stop bombarding me with ’If you have sex with him, I’ll feel I screwed up as a parent,’ and ’If I find out you’re sleeping with him, I’ll pull you out of school and send you to an all-girls school,’ ” she says.

Foster says her mom’s threats damaged the relationship.

“She made it so that I’d never feel comfortable talking to her about sex. She created such tension that I felt the need to lie to her when she asked me if I was sexually active.

“All I wanted was to be honest, and tell her, ’Mom, I really like him and it’s been six months. I’m thinking about having sex.’ But I couldn’t because of how she approached the issue,” says Foster.

Struggle to Talk

Psychologist Karen Zager, Ph.D., co-author of The Inside Story on Teen Girls: Experts Answer Parents’ Questions, counsels parents and teens about such conflicts. She says that in parent-teen relationships, there are two levels of struggle: one on the surface and one underneath.

“Issues like bad grades, clothing, and unfinished chores are what parents and teens argue about, but both parties fail to see the real underlying issues that need to be resolved,” says Zager.

These underlying issues are about personal values and responsibility.

“Parents have their own values and definitions of responsibility, but their teens’ may differ. The only way to address these differences is for parents and teens to discuss their values and definitions with each other,” says Zager.

Zager says that includes values about sex. To do this, good communication is paramount.

“Most people forget that half of communication is listening,” says Zager.

After all, with good communication, parents/ guardians can help teens make better decisions. It doesn’t necessarily mean that teens will listen to parents’ advice, though, because ultimately it’s their choice.

But if teens and parents understand each other’s values, it might lead to healthier family relationships—something Foster wishes she had.

She never told her mom she was having sex, because she wanted to avoid angry confrontations.

“I really wanted my mom to know. I wanted to be able to share these experiences with her. For the last three years I’ve been living a lie. My mom thinks I have one life, but I really have another.”

Sex, Etc. Contributors Shanah Einzig, 17, of New Rochelle, NY, and Erika Vela, 16, of Newark, NJ, contributed to this story.