“I regret the first time I had sex. I was very young, naive and irresponsible. I was under the impression that all of my friends were having sex, which I now know was not true.”
—Lee, 17, Oregon
Are You A Virgin?
Originally Published: Oct 19, 1999
Revised: Nov 1, 2006
"So, Karen, are you a virgin?" Janine's voice lowered to a soft whisper when she said "virgin," as if it were a sacred word.
Karen looked back and forth between Janine and her other friend, Keisha, before looking down at the ground. She didn't know how to answer.
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Photography by Dan Strange |
Karen had been with Michael for more than two years. They were voted cutest couple of the senior class and always seemed so in love. They talked about having sex, but decided to hold off on vaginal intercourse until after high school. For now, they engaged in oral sex and mutual masturbation. So, was she a virgin, or not? She felt pressured to answer, so she just nodded her head, and quietly said, "Yes."
Once she answered, she felt sure. Of course she was still a virgin. She never had "real sex," as Keisha put it. She was pretty sure Michael considered himself a virgin, too, but she decided to talk to him about it later.
When Michael came over later that night, Karen asked him whether he considered them virgins. "No. We had sex,'' he said. "Of course we're not virgins. You still consider yourself a virgin?" Karen was shocked. She really believed what Keisha had said about oral sex not being "real sex."
Just goes to show, there's no clear cut definition of "virginity."
While some believe having oral sex equals losing your virginity, others think they keep their virginity until they have intercourse. "I think you are a virgin until you're in a sexual situation where you can get pregnant," commented Johanna, 17.
But Darius, 19, disagrees. "That definition of virginity doesn't take into account homosexual intercourse. There's no possible way for homosexuals to get pregnant or impregnate anyone during sex, and I don't believe they should be considered virgins."
"Oral sex counts as sex,'' says Sam, 17. "That's why they call it oral sex. So, if you have oral sex, then no you're no longer a virgin. In some cultures, to say someone is a virgin, you say they are untouched. I like that definition."
Joan Helmich, of the Center for Health Training in Seattle, says there is "no hard and fast rule for what constitutes a virgin. Virginity is a cultural concept. People have very different definitions. It's also a concept we play around with a lot."
Whether or not virginity is lost through oral sex, masturbation, anal or vaginal intercourse, Helmich says it's important for teens to listen to themselves and what they think is the true definition. "Virginity is merely an idea,'' she says. "There is no physical change that occurs, otherwise we would be able tell when it is lost and we would have our definition. Because it is only a concept, it is completely individual." (Many girls break their hymens long before they have sexual intercourse through activites like bike riding, so the idea that the hymen breaks only when a girl loses her virginity is a myth.)
Beth Reis, public health educator and author of the Family Life and Sexual Health (FLASH) curriculum for grades 5-12, says the term "virginity" carries tons of emotional baggage -- not to mention a huge double standard. "There seems to be this notion, and it definitely holds more for girls than guys, that someone who has lost virginity is somehow damaged goods,'' she says. "This notion is really offensive, considering that there is no real definition of virginity, and that virginity is so private and individual."
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Your Comments
I thought....
Posted by: Confusion101 on Dec 23rd, 2009 5:38am
Ive always thought the term "popping the cherry" referred to
sexual intercourse that broke a layer deeper within the
vagina but the definiton of cherry is the hymen which is in
the outer parts...so when a guy says he "popped your cherry"
what are they really referrig to?? because I thought it was
a layer within that causes bleeding when broken which is
what most girls consider losing your virgiity?? Do you
always bleed with the breaking of the cherry or no?
im 17 and kind of get her
Posted by: julie92 on Nov 19th, 2009 7:08pm
i believe if u engaged w/ oral sex as a virgin u are still a
virgin b/c there is nothing that really popped your cherry.
even though im still a virgin and havent had oral sex, i
highly believe your still a virgin!!!
uhmm
Posted by: beantown69 on Jun 14th, 2009 2:51am
well me and my boyfriend have had oral sex and i count my
self as a virgin because his penis didnt penetrate my vagina
and people say virgin means untouched but i interpret that
as untouched by another persons genitals...im a virgin and
so is he.
agree
Posted by: leahbug on Apr 27th, 2009 9:35pm
i agree with dctrphil AND I ALSO AGREE with dianafire the
reason i agree wit dianafire is because of what i was told
about sex and wat it is and the reason i agree wit dctrphil
is because of wat i belive is true love
RE: I am 13 and confused
Posted by: DanR on Feb 16th, 2009 12:40pm
13 is very young to be having sex, so I agree that you might
not be emotionally ready for this. Good for you for being
aware of that! You are thinking about possible pregnancy
and STDs...and that is very important! There are plenty of
ways to enjoy spending time with your boyfriend that do not
involve sex. Just because he wants to, doesn't mean that
you have to...so stay strong and know that you are making
the right decision for you! If he cares about you, he will
repect that decision.
I am 13 and confused
Posted by: emo_bear1996 on Feb 11th, 2009 1:47am
I am 13 years old and i have a great boyffriend but i am
totally confused and scared because my boyfriend wants to
have sex and I want to but then again I dont think I am
emotionally prepared for something like this its making me
go crazy I dont know what to expect I need advice and soon
RE: Confusedd .."/
Posted by: DanR on Feb 10th, 2009 5:09pm
As it says above, virginity is something that is really
private and varies from person to person. It is really up
to you to decide if you think you are a virgin or not. The
important thing to remember here is that you need to discuss
with every partner you have what their definition of
virginity is. They may have participated in activities that
have put them at risk for STDs in the past, but still
consider themselves a virgin. That is something you
DEFINITELY want to know!
Confusedd .."/
Posted by: 3_Nicolah on Feb 8th, 2009 3:42am
Ive Not Had Sex Yet But Ive one Other Things With My Current
Boyfriend & Other Boyfriends In The Past. Does This Mean Im
Still A Virgin Or Ive Lost It?
i consider myself a virgin...
Posted by: christiangirl on Aug 16th, 2008 11:02pm
but some people might say otherwise. i feel that your
virginity is something you define and no one else can put a
label on you. in my personal opinion when you have sex it
should be "making love" you should feel loved and cared for.
its not just a physical thing, it has a lot to do with
emotions too. i once tried to have sex and he was in me but
i told him to stop cuz it hurt but i think im a virgin
because thats how i feel emotionally...no one except me has
the power to define my virgintity.
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re: I thought...
Posted by: CJT on Jan 4th, 2010 1:38pm
When people talk about "popping your cherry" that is
referring to the hymen, which isn't deep inside your vagina
at all. It's just a thin membrane or tissue near the opening
of your vagina. The hymen can stretch and get holes in it,
or erode away completely, long before someone has sex.
Physical activity or even things like using a tampon can
break a hymen. Some people may bleed a little when that
happens, but not everyone does.