How to Tell Your Partner What You're Ready (or Not Ready) for Sexually
Originally Published: Mar 28, 2008
Revised: Mar 28, 2008
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One night while hanging out, we began kissing, and as we undressed, we started to have sex. This wasn’t what I wanted. I pushed him off of me, while crying and screaming for him to go home.
I had told him earlier in the night that I was not prepared to go beyond kissing, but we got caught up in the moment. We hadn’t used a condom, either, which made me feel that much worse, because he had had many partners before me and I don’t know if he used protection with all of them. All that night, I felt ashamed and embarrassed about what had happened.
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Photo by roblisameehan Creative Commons Attribution License |
Now I make sure that my partner knows exactly what I am ready or not ready for. When I’m ready to engage in something more sexual than just kissing, I remind my partner that we need to use condoms. I also let my partner know that the relationship isn’t going to work out if he doesn’t respect me and my wishes to protect myself from STDs and pregnancy.
Here’s what I’ve learned about letting your partner know what you are or aren’t ready for sexually:
- Really be clear with yourself about what you’re ready for before engaging in any type of sexual play. If you don’t know how you feel about touching, oral sex, vaginal sex or anal sex, how are you going to let your partner know how you feel and what you’re willing or not willing to do?
- Make sure your partner takes this situation as seriously as you do. Let him or her know that you deserve to be respected. If he or she doesn’t respect you or your wishes to go only so far, then it will be clear that you’ll have to end your relationship on the spot.
- Don’t wait until the heat of the moment to explain what you’re ready for. If you do get caught up in the moment, you can always stop and talk about what you’re both expecting to happen, instead of doing something you’re not ready for.
- Explain clearly what you are and are not ready for. So, if you want to have oral sex, but not vaginal sex or anal sex, make sure you say that.
- Discuss which specific methods you will use to protect yourself and your partner from STDs or an unintended pregnancy, if you decide to engage in vaginal, oral or anal sex. This means discuss condoms, Sheer Glyde Dams, and the Pill or other birth control methods.
For more info on deciding if you’re ready, check out this FAQ.
Your Comments
Sometmes We Want It First
Posted by: theritegirl on Dec 14th, 2009 1:45am
Communication is the key. You both have to know when you
are ready for sex. Sometimes we are ready to have sex
before our bf is, so we just have to be open with each other
and let each other know what we want.
They're out there-
Posted by: HeWatied4ME on Oct 20th, 2009 11:45pm
Good men. Good honest men may seem like a rare breed, but
they are out there, this I promise to every pressured teen.
I have been in love with my boyfriend for three years and
even though he had sex before we met, he's waiting for me.
Please don't ever feel pressured by anyone..girls or guys.
Because he is out there.. that perfect guy that you've been
dreaming about since you were little? He's not a dream. I
promise :)
Me!
Posted by: Haley5.26.08 on Sep 21st, 2009 5:52pm
When i was jus getin out of 8th grade i was gettin in2 a
relationship with an older guy i was 13 he was 15.at first
it was a normal relationship then he started to get touchy i
didnt mind but thn it came down to him wantin to have sex n
i wasnt ready i told him tht i wasnt sure if i wanted 2 lose
my virginity 2 him or evn yet n he respected tht even tho he
would always pressure me into trying to do stuff i wouldnt n
thn 1 day we were alone and he asked if i was ready and
thats whn it happned
wow.
Posted by: .nooneknows13 on Jun 19th, 2008 8:52pm
your story is very similar to my own, when i was a freshman,
dated a 16 year old.
he tried countless times to have sex
with me, but to no avail.
i was so scared, everytime i went
over, i'd be thinking "why am i still doing this? what's
going to happen in his room where no one can help me
today?"
i'm so glad i came out of that relationship.
kudoss
:]
I TOTALLY AGREE
Posted by: i love my baby on Jun 2nd, 2008 9:21pm
if you're not ready tell them don't let nobody pressure you
into doing anything that you don't want to do... You did
good! I would have done the same.
This is good
Posted by: ToxicRainbow on Mar 29th, 2008 10:57pm
I'm sorry that happened to you. But these are some good tips
for me. I'm dating someone now and although I'm not exactly
sure what I want yet (like sometimes I think I'm totally
ready for sex and at other times I think I'm totally
not...typical indecisive teenage girl!), I know what to say!
Thanks for posting this.
i agree 100%
Posted by: baileysababy6 on Mar 29th, 2008 5:50pm
when i was talking to my guy friend on the phone (we have a
sexual relationship), he kept asking if he could "get me
from behind", and i kept saying no. so he tried everything
he could to get me to do it, but it is still, and always
will be, a no. when you know what you want, then you can
stand firmly to that, and not feel discouraged. if he
doesn't want to do stuff because he's mad that i won't do
anal, then that's his loss, not mine.
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That is so true!!!
Posted by: Stephanie10 on Mar 23rd, 2010 5:52pm
I feel like as long as ya'll have an understanding of what
is beening taking place then there should not be any
miscommunication what so ever between the two of u. Going n2
the relationship communication plays a huge role
anyway..thats with anybody. But i think when you are ready
to have sex..then that time will come!!!!