Virginity. Why does that word stress so many of us out? Just about everyone worries about when to lose it or if we should lose it, but does it even matter? And if you're a girl and you lose your virginity to a guy, you’re seen as “easy,” but if you are a guy who loses his virginity to a girl then you're a “G” or a “pimp.” This double standard is totally unfair and causes a lot of stress for guys and girls. And if you’re a guy who loses his virginity to a guy, or a girl who loses her virginity to another girl, you’re often left out of the conversation altogether!

Photo by Kah Zanon Read "The Virginity Question" for more about virginity.

Why should we put pressure on one another to be or not be virgins? The biggest source of worry isn’t really being or not being a virgin, but our fears about what we think other people will think or say about us. I’m here to say relax.

Am I or Not?

We hear fairly often from virgin girls that they are very afraid that they’re going to somehow magically lose their virginity without doing anything sexual at all.

“Am I still a virgin? ‘Cause I use tampons. I ride bikes, and I’ve masturbated before. How do you know if you've accidentally broken your hymen???” asks Amber, 14, of Florida.

This is a common fear among girls who think that being a virgin has to do with whether or not you have a hymen—the thin piece of tissue that partially covers the vaginal opening. Many girls tear their hymens before they have vaginal sex. It’s so easy to tear your hymen that you can’t use that as a definite sign of virginity. If you haven’t had vaginal intercourse, and you believe that’s what makes you a virgin, then you should think of yourself as a virgin.

No Simple Answer

Some people believe that if you’ve never had vaginal sex, but you have had oral or anal sex, you are still a virgin. So does that mean only heterosexual people can lose their virginity? And that girls who have sex with girls or guys who have sex with guys are forever virgins?

When I ask Kara, 19, of Virginia, about this, she says, “I am a lesbian teen. My friends know I'm gay, but they know I've slept with guys before and still use that when they refer to my virginity. But I couldn't even tell you what happened the night I lost my virginity—what I was wearing or what it felt like. I kinda was just doing it because I thought I was supposed to. Then I got to college. I met this girl. She was the first girl I had ever done anything major with. She was the one that pulled me out of the closet. I remember everything—how wonderful it felt and how glad I was to do it with her. In my mind, that's when I lost my virginity.”

Our ideas about who is or isn’t a virgin differ from person to person. But what about people who are the survivors of rape or sexual abuse? Have they lost their virginity if the first time they had sex it was forced on them? I don’t think so.

Ultimately, the only person who gets to say if you’re a virgin is you. Use what you believe to determine if you’re a virgin.

Read "The Virginity Question" for more about virginity.