A Teen Cuts to Cope

By Seo Hee Koh, 17, Staff Writer

Originally Published: Jan 11, 2007

Revised: Nov 17, 2010

At night, after her parents went to sleep, Emilie would take out a razor and start cutting. Her upper arms, her inner thighs.

She wore long-sleeved shirts and long pants to hide her scars, even during hot summer months. Gym class was torture because she had to find a way to change without anyone noticing the large gashes in her legs or the cigarette burns on her stomach.

When Emilie smiles, a splash of freckles dances on her delicate nose. The slender 17-year-old has the porcelain complexion and towering stature to grace the pages of any fashion magazine. By any measure, she is an overachiever. She has a 96 average and is the president of several clubs.

But, against her own ruler, she always comes up short. And so she hurts herself.

Adapted from Violator3

Creative Commons Attribution License

"I remember in sixth grade, I came in second at a regional spelling bee," she says. "I had forgotten the "e" in "neutralization." When I got home that night, I was so angry. I used the edge of my trophy to cut at my arm. When that didn’t work too well, I grabbed a ruler that was lying on my desk and ran it across my skin again and again."

"It’s weird, but when I saw all this blood streaming down my arm and spreading on my shirt, I felt like there was this release, almost like air was being let out of this balloon that was about to pop," says Emilie, who is now in counseling and trying to stop hurting herself.

Emilie’s gruesome ritual is more common than you’d think. Experts estimate that nearly 2 million people are self-injurers.

Self-mutilation is a way people cope with feelings they don’t know how to deal with or express,’’ explains Dr. Wendy Lader, clinical director of the S.A.F.E. Alternatives Program in Illinois.

The term self-mutilation can include everything from cutting the surface of the skin to amputating finger tips and toes. Cutting and burning are the most common forms of self mutilation.

As extreme as this may seem, the majority of self-injurers don’t want to kill themselves.

Most of the time, they are just trying to stop the emotional pain, explains Lader. Sometimes they may go too far and there may be an accidental suicide, but this is more a way to cope than anything else.

Flushes Away Bad Feelings

Emilie pushes her sleeve to her elbow to reveal white scars, mostly old, running the length of her arm. But one small cut looks fairly new. Taken aback, I ask how she stands the pain.

"The pain?" she pauses. "I guess it hurt at first, but you have to understand that this is," she pauses and swallows hard, "well, was, the only thing that I’ve found that makes me feel better inside. It’s not like when you skin your knee real bad. That’s a different pain. When I do this, I’m aware of the pain, but at the same time I’m numb to it. It flushes all these bad feelings away."

Emilie was sexually abused by an uncle when she was young. That, and her relentless drive to be perfect, probably contributed to her depression, pushing her to hurt herself.

Many self-injurers have suffered some type of abuse, but others hurt themselves because they don’t like their bodies or feel they have no control over their lives. Like people who suffer from anorexia and bulimia, their disease tricks them into believing they are in control. But the disease usually ends up controlling them.

Emilie became so obsessed with hurting herself that she carried a razor blade to school.

"If during the day, things got bad, like a guy I liked made fun of me or I did real bad on a test, I’d go to the bathroom and do my thing. I even had Band-Aids and gauze in my backpack for those kinds of days," she says.

"Now, my doctor helps me understand my feelings and stuff," she adds. "It’s hard sometimes, but it’s helping me. I mean, I still have these bad urges, but I’m discovering other ways to express the way I feel."

If you or someone you know is a self-injurer, get help. Cutting is terribly dangerous, and you need to deal with your feelings now, before you really hurt yourself. If you don’t have a trusted adult to talk to, call S.A.F.E. Alternatives at 1-800-DONT CUT (366-8288).

Your Comments

RE: cutting

Posted by: SexExpert1 on Apr 6th, 2011 9:37am

People who cut usually do it as a "release" for feelings
that they are having. But often the feelings return after
the initial release. Cutting can be dangerous. We strongly
suggest talking to a trusted adult or speaking to someone
about what you are experiencing. You can also call
1-800-DONT CUT (366-8288) to talk to someone about what you
are feeling and going through. And you may want to check out
this FAQ: http://www.sexetc.org/faq/emotional_health/2735

cutting

Posted by: xxrenee22xx on Apr 5th, 2011 7:34pm

i am also a cutter and i fell better when i cut.. like my
current boyfriend who was my ex broke ^ with me i cried and
cut mysekf 20 times a day and i alawys felt better
afterwords

My Parents Think I'm Sick

Posted by: BurntSoul on Jan 18th, 2009 9:54am

I have the same problem. When I get mad I cut myself. I
guess it's a form of relief, and when I do so, I feel
relieved, in some way. It's like I feel better about
everything. Like the blood is all the bad things being
poured out of you. And then you feel better. One day I got
so mad that I reopened my scars with my fingernails. When my
parents saw this they threatened to put me in a mental
institution. They told me that I was sick. It didn't help. I
still cut myself but i'm trying to stop.

cutting

Posted by: Courtneyloomis on Jul 9th, 2008 12:09am

Natalie99's story touched me. I began to cry when reading
that comment. Most people don't realize what cutters go
through, its so hard to stop, and I've struggled trying to
stop. I told my bestfriend of 3 years that I cut again 2
nights ago and I don't think I've ever hurt anyone that much
in my life. She was so mad and upset that she finally said
forget it, go kill yourself courtney. I know she didn't mean
it and it was tough love but it hurt so much to no I was
hurting someone else like that.

RE: TEAR

Posted by: DanR on Jun 30th, 2008 1:39pm

I am so sorry to hear that you have been through all of
that. I hope you know that none of this is your fault and
that there are people out there who want to try and help
you. I'm glad you found our site and I hope that you will
consider contacting S.A.F.E Alternatives and talking to
someone there. The number is 1-800-DONT CUT (366-8288).
Cutting is not the answer. Please call that number and talk
to someone who will try to help you. Hang in there!

TEAR

Posted by: natalie99 on Jun 26th, 2008 3:04am

I read this and started to cry... i cute myself im 15 i have
been cuting for 5 long years... when i was 14 i had to go to
the way cuz i almost killed myself i have been raped seens i
was 5 by my dad(10-12), step dad(8-11), and my
boyfriend(13-still) so i know how it feels to be
helpless...im only15 and im having my 2 baby i have had 2
miscarriages...i live w/ my aunt cuz my mom is a drunk she
helps me w/ the baby when myboyfriends out gitting high off
his ass...so cutting is thing i have lift...

Same kind of thing... just emotional...

Posted by: willowxwilliamfan on Mar 28th, 2008 6:22pm

I used to do a simlar thing to cutting, except it was an
emotional release that came out in the form of very violent
acting desplays. No body really grasped what was going
because I did all of my destorying (i.e. punching walls) for
the sake of scripts I'd written. (I'd made the sets too, so
it was /supposed/ to be destroied). I've had some pretty bad
emotional problems - I've a slight split personallity - but
most of that was fixed when I went to London last summer. I
walked all that pain off.

RE: They called me cookie cutter

Posted by: DanR on Jan 29th, 2008 12:34pm

I am sorry to hear that you are still cutting and that kids
say mean things to you, but I am glad that you found us.
Recognizing this is something you shouldn't be doing is a
GREAT first step! I hope that you have talked to a trusted
adult and let them know how you are feeling. If you ever
feel you are in crisis, you can call 911 or 1-800-SUICIDE
(1-800-784-2433). To get more information on self injury,
call 1-800-DONT-CUT (366-8288) or check out this link:
http://www.selfinjury.com/.

They called me cookie cutter

Posted by: Startwinkles on Jan 28th, 2008 11:22pm

I am 19 and i have been cutting since the tender age of 11.
Honestly i used to carve shapes into my leg and people
called me cookie cutter because of the stars on my thighs
and what not.. I still cut and its not something i should be
doing .

sometimes it can be bad

Posted by: vissha455 on Jan 23rd, 2008 1:39pm

i used to do that but not by burnin or cutting i would make
my head bleed then go wash my hair.but i would also it my
hit my self.to knock myself out so when i wake up i forgot
why i did that but i'm better now.^_^

A Teen Cuts to Cope

Flushes Away Bad Feelings

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