A relative I adored coaxed me into performing sexual acts on him.

I was five when I told my mom about it. I was young and naive. In my innocence, I didn't know it was wrong for an adult to touch a child in a sexual way. No one talked to me about "good" and "bad" touching. I knew to look out for strangers, but no one ever mentioned loved ones.

My molester would take me downstairs to do things when people were upstairs. He'd bribe me with candy, and reward me after I had done what he asked.

Once I told my mom, everything changed. I felt totally different. Instead of blaming him, I felt shame and guilt pressing on my shoulders.

Taboo Subject

I no longer felt like a kid. I was now shy and uncomfortable. I used to look at other kids and wonder if they had a horrible experience like mine, but no one ever brought up such a "hush-hush" topic. It seemed as though it had only happened to me.

I felt so Isolated.

I thought my family was ashamed of me because they never talked to me about the abuse. The pain eventually led me to block everything out.

Years later -- while I was at dinner with my dad, brother, and sister -- my sister told my dad how much fun she had with the family member who was my molester. I was chowing down on broccoli when my dad interrupted my sister.

"I don't ever want you to be alone with him," he told her. My sister kept asking why. Dad eventually said it had to do with me, but that I probably didn't remember. I sat there with a piece of broccoli and played dumb.

At that moment, every memory about the abuse came back to me. But I couldn't let my dad know I remembered such a horrible thing. It would hurt him too much, I thought.

Sharing the Pain

I kept everything in -- until I couldn't anymore. At a sleepover, when I was 14, I told my friend Patti. Until then, I didn't realize how much pain I felt. We cried and talked for hours. She wasn't afraid to ask me questions. It felt great to finally share my burden, knowing I had found a true friend.

After finally telling someone, I found I had more issues to deal with. Should I confront my molester? The question haunted me. It was a weird situation since I had been around him for years without mentioning a single thing about the abuse.

I decided not to confront him. What could I possibly say to make him understand how he made me feel? I couldn't bring myself to say, "I hate you for what you did," or "I forgive you," so I decided not much would come out of confronting him, except maybe a huge family fight. I really didn't want to upset anyone.

When I was 16, my molester died of cancer.

At his viewing, many people were crying. I cried because I knew he could never hurt me again. I also cried because I knew I had missed out on things in my childhood. But I was OK.

Even now, at 18, I can't talk to my family or most other people about being molested.

Writing this story was one way for me to deal with it. It does still hurt, but it can't be undone. It happened. I just hope that sharing my story can help someone else.

Photgraphy by Dan Strange

INCEST VICTIMS NEED TO TELL

Incest is an awful secret that many victims keep for years, afraid to tell, believing that the abuse is somehow their fault.

It's not.

When a relative -- father, aunt, brother, uncle, sister -- has any type of sexual contact with a child or teen, that's incest -- and it's against the law. That includes touching that makes you feel uncomfortable, anything from fondling your breasts, vagina, or penis to brushing up against you in weird ways.

Incest is also a terrible betrayal of a child's love and trust. The same type of betrayal happens when a stepparent, baby-sitter, coach, teacher, clergy member, or other trusted adult violates a child sexually.

Most children and teenagers are abused by people they love and trust.

That's why it is so difficult for a child to tell someone about the abuse. Abusers often make their victims promise not to tell, sometimes threatening to hurt someone in the family if they reveal the secret.

But the only way to stop incest -- and to prevent an abuser from hurting someone else -- is to tell.

It's difficult. Often, if the incest is between a father and daughter, the mother will want to deny that the man she loves could hurt their child. But, eventually, most mothers stand behind their children.

Telling about incest will, no doubt, upset a family. It might also mean that state agencies get involved in the family.

But staying silent about incest is far worse, say Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, authors of The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse.

Incest survivors need help to deal with the abuse, which can leave deep emotional scars. Most people need therapy to heal those wounds. Many also find that support groups help. And others work through their pain by talking to close friends or family members.

If you are a victim of incest of other similar crimes, remember it is not your fault. You need help. Talk to a family member, school counselor, someone at your church, a friend's parent, or anyone you trust. The first step is to break the silence.

A good place to turn to is the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, 1-800-656-HOPE, www.rainn.org. They will connect you with a local organization that can help.