The first time I found out boys and girls had different bodies was back when I was four or five years old. My mom gave me a bath with a girl I’d known since birth. I found it strange that her body wasn’t like mine. But I just accepted the fact that she didn’t have a penis.

Before fifth grade, I looked at boys and girls as friends. When I got to fifth grade, things changed. A few girls in my class started telling me they liked me. There was a lot of flirting, but no action in terms of me kissing a girl. I never saw myself doing anything like that at that age.

When middle school started, things changed even more. I started to think about finding a girl to “go out” with. I finally got the courage to ask a girl from elementary school to the Halloween dance. I was so happy she said yes.

But once we got to the dance, I didn’t know what to do. My friends had to force me over to the girl and physically push us together so we would dance. I felt uncomfortable.

I went with that girl for a few months, but nothing physical ever happened between us. I went out with three other girls in middle school. But again, nothing serious. I still hadn’t kissed any of them and wasn’t sure I wanted to.

I saw my friends kissing their girlfriends, but I didn’t feel comfortable. I also saw boys and girls kissing on TV, but even that made me feel weird. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t interested in the whole kissing thing, not to mention more. Was I a prude?

Attracted To Guys

By eighth grade, I was pretty much fully developed and my voice started changing. As I developed through puberty, I realized something about myself.

I was attracted to guys.

I really didn’t know what this meant. I knew what homosexuality was, but I had all these stereotypes in my head. I thought gay people were gross, disgusting people. None of the kids I knew could be gay, especially not me. I chose to ignore my feelings toward other guys.

At the same time, I started drifting away from my guy friends. I felt uncomfortable around them. I started hanging with girls more. When I started high school, I found I was looking at guys in my school in a different way.

I knew some kids were having sex, but I definitely was not ready for that. I thought maybe if I just “got with” a girl, things would change. But I just wasn’t attracted to girls.

At this point, I still didn’t consider myself gay and thought I could just play it straight and hide my feelings. I figured I could get married to a woman and things would be just fine. But as high school progressed, I came closer to accepting myself as gay.

I started checking out gay chat rooms and was surprised that there were so many people like me on there. I had to search for people to talk to, though, since most were looking for sex.

This was the first place where I told people I was gay. I felt that they didn’t really know who I was, so I could be honest. It felt good to talk to people who were in the same boat as me. But I still had no one to talk to in person and so kept everything to myself.

Well, high school ended and still no physical contact with a guy or girl. I had no idea how to go about initiating any sort of relationship with a guy. At this point, I was finally realizing that I would only be happy with another guy. I kept asking the question, “Why me? Why am I gay?”

Angry & Depressed

My anger toward the whole situation made me lose my faith in God, particularly because the Catholic Church denounces homosexuality and because I felt that God was being really unfair.

These thoughts made me very depressed. I ended up going to a doctor and getting anti-depressants. I couldn’t tell my family why I was depressed. So I told them I didn’t like college and was just generally unhappy. The medication really helped. But I still lacked one thing. I still had never had a relationship with a guy. This was soon to change.

The first guy I had any romantic contact with was someone I knew from work. We were at a party and ended up alone and extremely drunk. I was almost sure that he was gay so I was daring and kissed him. He kissed me back!

I had never felt anything like that before. I was so happy. But I couldn’t tell anyone. None of my friends knew. We had a relationship for a few months, but realized we were two different people and ended it mutually.

Since then, I’ve had some dates with people I met through the Internet, but nothing that has felt right. All I want is to be able to meet someone in a bar or something – just like heterosexual people can.

Still In The Closet

I am still very angry about the fact that I am gay. I hate it and would give anything to be heterosexual. I’m still totally in the closet. I would never lie and say I like girls. I just don’t talk about it. Whenever anyone brings it up, I just change the subject.

I think my friends are starting to notice. I hope they’re accepting. I’m just worried they will think differently of me. I like being thought of like everyone else. But even though I seem to fit in, I don’t really feel that way. I feel different.

It was a huge step for me to write about this. I don’t know where I’m going from here. At this point, I’m still depending on the Internet to meet a guy. Recently, I’ve opened up a little by giving guys eye contact, hoping that if they’re gay, they will realize that I am, too. But it’s all very subtle. So far, it hasn’t worked.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only gay person out there. Where is everybody? The media is slowly approaching homosexuality more openly, with more and more television shows featuring gay characters. These things help, but I’m still uncomfortable with myself.

One day, hopefully, I will be comfortable enough to tell my friends and maybe my family. And then, after all these years, I can finally be me.

*The writer, who asked that we not publish his name, is a college student in New Jersey.