Seventeen-year-old Jessica endured a painful battle with self-injury, also know as “self-mutilation” or “cutting.”

Jessica, who lives in New Jersey, first started to hurt herself at age 13.  At the time, she was unhappy and having trouble with other girls at school.

“I just remember all these girls being so mean and so cruel to me, because they didn’t like me. And then one day, they all came up to me and said they hated me, and that I was a loser, and they never liked me from the start. From then on, I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone, and I didn’t have one true friend in school,” she says.

Her self-esteem hit rock bottom.

“On top of everything, I was also extremely stressed out by my parents and my grades, and it was really hard to keep on top of things when I was so unhappy,” she says.

Then Jessica started to hurt herself. She recalls the first time.

“I’d just stare in the mirror in my bathroom, and pick and pop all my pimples. I’d sit there and squeeze all these pimples until I saw little beads of blood forming on my face.”

From then on, Jessica’s self-injury progressed. One day after school, she was so angry and sad that she immediately went into the bathroom and started to cry. She doesn’t know what possessed her, but she started scratching her arms vigorously.

Her arms “were so hot they burned. But at the same time, all this heat felt refreshing in a way. I’d scratch my arms and legs like crazy, and then I’d stop, sit back, and watch how they changed colors, from white to dark to pink and finally red,” says Jessica.

Her parents noticed the red specks all over Jessica’s arms and legs, but she never told them the truth.

“I brushed it off and said it was probably an allergic reaction. I didn’t want them to know I was unhappy. I pretended that everything was fine, although it was very frustrating at times,” she says.

Unlike other teens that self-injure, Jessica never cut herself with a razor, because she couldn’t imagine slicing her arms or legs. In addition, she didn’t want permanent scars on her body.

“I didn’t want other kids at school to know I was beating myself up because of them. I pretended like I was strong person who could get along just fine without them. But when I got home, I was all alone again,” she says.

Real Hurt

Jessica was in a pattern of self-injury, the act of intentionally harming your body. Approximately two million people self-injure. The behavior, which usually starts during puberty, includes:

• cutting
• scratching
• pulling hair
• picking scabs or interfering with wound healing
• burning
• punching self or objects
• inserting objects in body openings to cause pain
• bruising or breaking bones

“These behaviors pose serious risks and may be symptoms of a mental health problem that can be cured,” says Wendy Lader, Ph.D., clinical director of Self-Abuse Finally Ends (S.A.F.E.) Alternatives, in Naperville, IL.

Like Jessica, self-injurers commonly report that they feel empty inside, over or under stimulated, unable to express their feelings, lonely, and not understood by others, according to Lader. They try to make these feelings go away through self-injury.

“It’s just like a drug to keep discomfort away. But once the drug wears off, the pain still comes back. It’s essentially self-medicating the discomfort, rather than working through what the real issue is,” she says.

People that self-injure struggle with underlying issues like anxiety and depression, eating disorders, drug and alcohol abuse, and fears of abandonment. And nearly half report physical and or sexual abuse during childhood, according to Lader.

Facing the Pain

Many teens seek professional help to end self-injury. There are a number of treatment options.

“Medication is often useful in the management of depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and the racing thoughts that may accompany self-injury. Cognitive/behavioral therapy is useful for regaining self-control. Interpersonal therapy assists individuals in gaining insight and skills for the development and maintenance of relationships, and helps individuals understand their destructive thoughts and behaviors,” says Lader.

Some teens stop hurting themselves without outside help. But Lader cautions against this.

“Just because they stopped the behavior, doesn’t mean the problem is solved. You have to solve the discomfort instead of just pushing it away, otherwise you’ll have a teen who’s not self-injuring, but just feeling miserable,” she says.

New Beginning

Jessica stopped hurting herself two years later. At 15, she entered high school in a new town. She started making friends and realized that  “not every person is cruel and coldhearted, like the girls back in middle school.”

“I felt like I was starting over in a place where no one knew my awful past. I was glad to see that a whole bunch of new, scared, and nervous freshmen were in the same boat as me.”

Without seeking professional help, Jessica gradually stopped harming herself. She knows her case is rare, since many self-injurers need help.

“I guess I was pretty lucky that things didn’t get too serious,” she says.

Now a 17-year-old senior, Jessica is glad that her dark days are behind her.

“I’m happy now. I’ve got a life ahead of me,” she says.

Editors’ Note: Teens who self-injure should tell a trusted adult and seek professional help. For more information, call S.A.F.E. Alternatives at 1-800-DON’T CUT (366-8288) or click here. For more information about how to find professional help see the story, Why Therapy is a Good Idea for Teens.

Sex, Etc. contributor Jinnie Lee, 17, of Ridgewood, NJ, contributed to this article.