When you lose something, you realize how much it’s worth.

I know what it’s like to feel rejected. It happened to me when my parents found out I was gay.

It started in September 1999. I had a girlfriend and, I have to admit, I was feeling comfortable dating a girl.

Then I met Nick, a bisexual boy. He soon became my best friend. After a few weeks, I told him I already had an affair with a boy before my girlfriend.

In October, we decided to take a trip to Salem, Mass. It was just the two of us. During the trip, we talked about our feelings. When we came back, my mind was set. I had to tell my friends, and especially my girlfriend, that I was gay. I left her in November and started dating Nick a few days later.

Time To Tell

Because I was often with him, my parents started asking questions, but I was able to keep it from them without lying. Then one day, they confronted me directly.

"Are you dating a guy?’’ they asked.

I told them the truth. I can't lie to my parents. That night was very sad for everybody. My parents started losing all the trust they had in me. I’m not sure why. They always trusted me before.

My parents told me they were ashamed of going to parties because other families were there. They try not to go out in public with me. I'll never understand why.

People don't know I'm gay, but my parents think I show it. They never said that before I told them the truth.They don't want me to bring my boyfriend home, which I can understand. But they also want to keep me away from my other friends. They think my friends are making me think that being gay is normal.

Nowhere To Go

I wanted to find help in my area for me and my parents, but they refused to attend any support group. They also told me that they were going to kick me out of the house as soon as I am old enough. I have nowhere to go, only a job where I make a small salary, a few good friends and no more family.

I know I will have to find a way to deal with this problem. I have good friends that are helping me through all this. I’m not doing so great in school, but I’m trying to bring my grades up so I can graduate and maybe go to college. I plan to become a French teacher in the United States. (I speak fluent French.)

Nick had to go through all this with his parents a few years ago and he guides me. He is always there for me and I appreciate it very much. Of course, this is a long process. It takes time and I'm willing to wait. Maybe someday my parents will learn to accept me for who I am and I will get my family back.

Every gay teen who has to face this process needs help. I turned to my friends. But everyone is different. Some gay youth get help through support groups. Others talk to their school counselor or another trusted adult who won’t judge them.

Should I Tell My Parents?

This is a tough decision to make and, ultimately, only you will know if and when you should tell your parents. But Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians & Gays (PFLAG), an organization with chapters all over the U.S., offers some tips.

PFLAG says many gay teens who come out to their parents feel closer to them afterward because the relationship is more honest. They feel relieved not to be keeping so huge a secret anymore.

But, sometimes, parents aren’t so understanding. They force their teens to leave home. Some get abusive. And, some family relationships are never the same.

Before you come out to your parents, think about a few things.

• How do your parents react to gays in general? Listen to what they say about homosexuals and ask some indirect questions.
• Do they have gay friends?
• Do they read books or go to movies that include gay
• relationships?
• Does their religion accept gays?
• Have you heard them say negative things about gays?

And think about your relationship with your parents.

• Do they show love for you even when they’re mad at you?
• Are they supportive of you, even when you do things they don’t like?

Honestly answering these questions should help you gauge your parents’ reaction to telling them you’re gay.

If you think they will take it so bad they might throw you out of the house, then don’t tell them until you have a safe place to stay. You might even decide never to tell them because they wouldn’t understand.

Trust your gut. It’s normal to be scared to tell your parents, but if you’re terrified, then hold off until you feel more comfortable.

How To Come Out

Before you come out to your parents, it’s a good idea to contact PFLAG to talk to counselors and other families who have already gone through the process. They can help guide you. (Contact info is at the end of this story).

If you decide to come out to your parents, wait until you’re feeling good about yourself. If you’re feeling confused, that could cause them to question your judgment. Pick a time when your parents are relaxed and not pressured by work or family worries. Be ready to answer their questions.

Also be ready to give your parents some time to get used to the idea that you’re gay. They’re probably going to need it.

Remember, they grew up when people were much less accepting—and more hostile—to gays. Even if they accept gays in general, they may be really surprised to learn you are gay. They may want to deny it or try to "cure" you. They may also feel that you being gay says something about them as parents and they’ve failed you in some way.

Your parents may also feel like you’ve rejected them and somehow ruined the dreams they had for you. They’ll probably also worry about you. They’ll worry that being gay will put you in danger, and they’ll wonder whether your life will be happy, whether you’ll be able to have a family someday. This can all make them want to ignore or deny your sexuality.

The best thing you can do is be ready with answers—or suggest people your parents can talk to. The more homework you do first, the better.

PFLAG can help a lot. They can suggest books, videos and information for you and your parents. They can also connect you with support groups or other families who’ve been through this process, and they often have counselors who can help your parents sort through their feelings.

Visit www.pflag.org for more information or to find a local group.