“Make sure you know your partner. You might think he or she is perfect. But they might have a sexual history before you, and they are too shy to let it out.”
—Joshua, 17, New Jersey
A Girl Kisses a Girl...Is She Lesbian? Straight? Bi?
Originally Published: Feb 17, 2005
Revised: Oct 11, 2006
Many so-called straight girls in my high school have experimented sexually with other girls. Many tell me about it, because they say I'm open-minded. Some are coming out as lesbian or bisexual, at least at school. But some are not coming out and do not want to label themselves.
"The only way a person will know whether what she is doing is experimentation or part of realizing she is lesbian or bisexual is to experience it and reflect carefully on the feelings that come up as a result of the experience," says Schroeder.
"I liked my best friend, but I thought it was a crush, and then I started fantasizing that I kissed her. I denied it for over a month and then when I realized I was gay, I panicked. The process was hard, but I met my first girlfriend and she helped me" says Gutierrez.
But even though Gutierrez realized she was gay, she tried dating guys. The experience only confirmed her sexual identity.
"When I started dating guys again, I felt out of place...I didn't feel like it was right. Every time I kissed a guy on the lips, it was like I was playing spin the bottle and was forced to kiss him. This experience was good, because it proved that I was different. It confirmed that I was a lesbian."
Seventeen-year-old Sofia, of Washington, D.C., describes herself as a "straight girl who has experimented." She says that girls who experiment are "curious, but not sure yet what they like and don't like."
She adds that bisexual or lesbian girls "feel more of an emotional attachment for other girls. The closest thing I'd be is ‘bi-curious.' I wouldn't call myself lesbian or bi until I was sure, and I'm not sure yet."
Juliet, 15, of South Plainfield, NJ, is also still exploring her sexual identity. She is currently experimenting with another girl.
"We've always been pretty close, and we always used to kiss on the cheek. One day we missed, and it's been kisses on the lips [ever since]. One day we decided to take it a step further. We just felt comfortable around each other. It kind of comes naturally."
Dana, 18, of Montclair, NJ, does not consider herself lesbian or bisexual, even though she has had a girlfriend for two years.
"I don't like labels. I have never felt this way about any other girl, and I don't really plan on it in the future. I just see my girlfriend and me being together happily, without the restrictions of stereotypes or labels," says Dana.
"One same-gender experience does not necessarily make you a lesbian or bisexual," says Schroeder. "At the same time, that one kiss can confirm feelings a girl has had for a while and may not have been aware of or accepted yet."
Schroeder says that "teens would love it if there was a checklist they could go down, mark answers to, and then score to see whether they are heterosexual, lesbian, or bisexual. But it's never that easy. Feelings of attraction are discovered, not decided upon."
She adds that many girls know what their sexual orientation is without being sexual with someone.
So, girls who wonder whether or not their actions make them lesbian or bisexual can remember that everyone is different—and it's normal to be different. Focus more on how you feel about your sexual behaviors, and less about what these behaviors do or don't "make" you.
"Be who you are and feel what you feel," adds Schroeder. "When it becomes important to attach a label to those feelings, you'll know when the time is right."
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Photo by Erin Anello |
This led me to wonder, how does sexual experimentation influence our identity as straight, lesbian, or bisexual?
Breaking It Down
First off, girls and guys need to understand that you "discover" your feelings of sexual attraction, not just "decide" who you are attracted to, according to Elizabeth Schroeder, MSW, who is a human sexuality professor at Montclair State University, in NJ."The only way a person will know whether what she is doing is experimentation or part of realizing she is lesbian or bisexual is to experience it and reflect carefully on the feelings that come up as a result of the experience," says Schroeder.
Natasha's Story
Seventeen-year-old Natasha Gutierrez, of New York City, reflected on her sexual identity after experimenting with both guys and girls. She first realized she was a lesbian in eighth grade."I liked my best friend, but I thought it was a crush, and then I started fantasizing that I kissed her. I denied it for over a month and then when I realized I was gay, I panicked. The process was hard, but I met my first girlfriend and she helped me" says Gutierrez.
But even though Gutierrez realized she was gay, she tried dating guys. The experience only confirmed her sexual identity.
"When I started dating guys again, I felt out of place...I didn't feel like it was right. Every time I kissed a guy on the lips, it was like I was playing spin the bottle and was forced to kiss him. This experience was good, because it proved that I was different. It confirmed that I was a lesbian."
Sofia, Juliet & Dana
Schroeder says that our sexual behaviors can help clarify things. But they are not what determine our sexual identity. Just consider the experiences of Sofia, Juliet, and Dana.Seventeen-year-old Sofia, of Washington, D.C., describes herself as a "straight girl who has experimented." She says that girls who experiment are "curious, but not sure yet what they like and don't like."
She adds that bisexual or lesbian girls "feel more of an emotional attachment for other girls. The closest thing I'd be is ‘bi-curious.' I wouldn't call myself lesbian or bi until I was sure, and I'm not sure yet."
Juliet, 15, of South Plainfield, NJ, is also still exploring her sexual identity. She is currently experimenting with another girl.
"We've always been pretty close, and we always used to kiss on the cheek. One day we missed, and it's been kisses on the lips [ever since]. One day we decided to take it a step further. We just felt comfortable around each other. It kind of comes naturally."
Dana, 18, of Montclair, NJ, does not consider herself lesbian or bisexual, even though she has had a girlfriend for two years.
"I don't like labels. I have never felt this way about any other girl, and I don't really plan on it in the future. I just see my girlfriend and me being together happily, without the restrictions of stereotypes or labels," says Dana.
A Sexual Checklist?
As these girls show, there isn't one set formula for sexual identity."One same-gender experience does not necessarily make you a lesbian or bisexual," says Schroeder. "At the same time, that one kiss can confirm feelings a girl has had for a while and may not have been aware of or accepted yet."
Schroeder says that "teens would love it if there was a checklist they could go down, mark answers to, and then score to see whether they are heterosexual, lesbian, or bisexual. But it's never that easy. Feelings of attraction are discovered, not decided upon."
She adds that many girls know what their sexual orientation is without being sexual with someone.
So, girls who wonder whether or not their actions make them lesbian or bisexual can remember that everyone is different—and it's normal to be different. Focus more on how you feel about your sexual behaviors, and less about what these behaviors do or don't "make" you.
"Be who you are and feel what you feel," adds Schroeder. "When it becomes important to attach a label to those feelings, you'll know when the time is right."
Additional reporting by Contributor Alexis Henry, 17, of New York City.
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Your Comments
RE: Am i a lesbian?
Posted by: DanR on Mar 2nd, 2009 6:19pm
As it says in story, one same-gender experience does not
make you lesbian or bisexual. The same is true for
fantasies. A person's sexual orientation is defined by who
they are physically AND emotionally attracted to. The best
pointers I can give you is to not rush to put a label on
your feelings. Take some time to explore what these
fantasies mean, and see how you feel when you are around
other girls and guys. Only you can tell what you are really
feeling, so when the time is right to put a label on these
feelings, you will know.
Am i a lesbian?
Posted by: playerspirals on Mar 1st, 2009 11:44am
I find myself fantasizing about being with another girl but
I don't know if I am a lesbian. I have never really had a
relationship with a gay or a girl. Can you give me some
pointers that will tell me who I am and what I am?
I believe...
Posted by: shannonstar18 on Jan 14th, 2009 7:25pm
..if you try something and it feels good you will prefer it
over trying something that didn't feel good and first
impression is very, important. You're a girl and have sex
with a guy and it doesn't feel good but you have sex with a
girl and it is great you might decide you are gay. If it was
the other way around you might say you are straight. But it
might have been the person who you had sex with and the
circumstances. Try a certain food and the cook is lousy you
may never try that dish again!
RE: Um
Posted by: DanR on Jan 5th, 2009 10:13pm
It is normal to be curious about sex and have sexual
desires. You are at a point in your life when you have a lot
of hormones that are making you feel those things. The
important thing to remember is that having sex is a HUGE
responsibility and there are a lot of risks that come along
with it. 13 is really young to be taking on any of those
risks. Some people find masturbation helps ease those
feelings. Also remember that viewing pornography is illegal
in the US if you are under the age of 18.
Um
Posted by: xoxosinger4life on Dec 30th, 2008 2:21pm
I have made out with like 3 girls...but im not gay.I like to
watch girls have sex with eachother on prn sites but i have
never had sex and really want to and im 13 is that normal.
hello, good-BI
Posted by: Infamous03 on Dec 22nd, 2008 10:12am
im bi . & i am not confused . i like girls & boys . most
boys just take girls feelings for granted; so i decided to
try something new . i started liking this girl a while ago,
we been together for 1 month now . she's lesbian & im bi . i
find myself thinking boys & girls are attractive . & i think
that any downlow gay boys, lesbians, or bisexual people
shouldn't be afraid to let people know who you are & wat you
like . Dont be afraid to be yourself . Hiding it is just
gona hurt even more .
ur so gay
Posted by: sexii_african_boriqua_1994 on Oct 9th, 2008 1:29am
I am 14 goin 2 b 15 and ever since I wuz about 8, I knew I
wuz bisexual and every year ppl wud talk about me n say: ur
so gay !and I wud deny it . lmao wow how stupid wuz I. I wud
like 2 be ina romantic realatinship with a gurl, I daydream
bout girls that I juss make up in my head and I offically
came out and now every1 else is! wow.. I'm so gay.
dont know
Posted by: no-room-left on Jul 23rd, 2008 10:25pm
i have dated guys and have had sex with some. it never
interested me to have sex with a girl, but i've always
wanted to kiss one and maybe even date them. i like the idea
of dating a girl but i dont think i'd go too far sexually,
is that ok? does anyone else feel like this? girls interest
me emotionally, and guys physically. then why do i want to
date a girl, and be their 'only one?'
it's NORMAL.
Posted by: .nooneknows13 on Jun 19th, 2008 3:01pm
i've kissed more girls than i have guys.
but i would never
EVER think of a girl sexually or in a relationship
way.
there's a word for it.
BI FRIENDLY.
you have no problem
kissing the same sex, but you only have sexual attraction
towards the opposite sex.
i am proudly bi friendly!
:D
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Maybe...
Posted by: icantthinkofagoodusernamelol on Aug 18th, 2009 11:35pm
There is a huge increase in bi-chic, and more and more
people are "coming out" all the time. I'm bi, and have known
this for a long time, and I find it annoying when the
straight girls in the class act like they're bi or les, and
start grinding with each other and laugh it off. So, I'm
pretty 50/50 in trust in someone when they come out. If I've
known them for a long time and understand them, I believe
them, or I don't. It's hard for me to figure out people I
don't know, though.