Everything was going smoothly between Jason, 17, and Laura, 18, of Annapolis, MD. They were together almost three months, and had recently gotten over a rocky period. Laura, who was a virgin, planned to have sex for the first time with Jason, who’d already had sexual intercourse.

But then she found out Jason had cheated on her with one of her close friends.

“He hooked up with her at a party the previous month,” she remembers. “I was shocked. It made me nauseous to know that he—and my friend—could do that to me. I never thought someone I was so close to could hurt me so much.”

Cheating—it’s an act of physical and emotional betrayal that can devastate the person cheated on and destroy a couple’s bond of trust. A cheater can physically betray a partner through intimate acts (from kissing to intercourse) with another. A cheater can also emotionally betray a partner by secretly having another relationship (either on the phone, through e-mail, or on dates) that doesn’t involve sexual acts.

Unfortunately, cheating is not uncommon in teen relationships. It can also seriously harm a couple’s intimate bond.

Intimacy and Betrayal

Teens learn about intimacy through relationships with their family, friends, and boyfriends/girlfriends.

“These relationships are like stepping stones that help teens develop the ability to be intimate,” says Dr. Marsha Levy-Warren, author of The Adolescent Journey, and Associate Director of the Institute for Child, Adolescent and Family Studies in New York City.

So, what happens when cheating occurs and that intimacy is disrupted? Some couples stay together, and others break up. According to Dr. Levy-Warren, a couple has a chance if discussion is possible, trust can be rebuilt, and the relationship is worth saving.

“Crisis in relationships often moves two people toward greater closeness, assuming there is some open communication about what has happened,” says Dr. Levy-Warren. “Hopefully, the relationships have some capacity for discussion. The person who has been cheated on has to be able to say that he or she finds it intolerable. If there’s no way to talk about it, what kind of relationship is it in the first place?”

Many teen relationships don’t have enough substance to survive, and the relationships aren’t worth saving. Take Julia, 16, and Nick, 17, of Philadelphia, PA. They’d been together about a month when Nick found out that Julia was fooling around on the side with her ex-boyfriend.

Nick had already been suspicious of the “clean break” Julia made with her ex, who went to another school. He felt completely betrayed by the lies Julia told while she hid her other boyfriend.

“After finding out, I knew that our ’relationship’ was done with,” says Nick. “She’d completely manipulated me, and I couldn’t trust her.”

Trust Matters

According to Dr. Levy-Warren, good relationships have some basic ingredients: attraction, care, common interests, ease of communication—and trust.

“Trust allows people to work on problems that arise. It either builds or doesn’t build over time, based on the couple’s willingness and capacity to communicate with one another,” says Dr. Levy-Warren.

Jason and Laura had the ability to communicate—and they stayed together even after Jason cheated.

“At first, I couldn’t even think about what happened without crying,” says Laura. “I’d felt like we were reaching a point where we could really open up to one another, and when he told me he’d hooked up with her, I was stunned.”

After discussing their feelings, Laura and Jason decided to give their relationship a second chance. But not all relationships need to continue, and sometimes breaking up with a cheater is the best thing to do. In this case, the relationship might just be a stepping stone to a healthier, better one.

Cheaters Come Clean

“I cheated on my boyfriend because the relationship had become so predictable and I needed some excitement. He never found out, but I broke up with him shortly afterward because I felt so guilty. He never understood why.”
—Lisa, 19, San Diego, CA

“I’ve cheated on my girlfriend a few times, but they were mistakes. She hasn’t found out about any of them, and I’m glad because she wouldn’t be able to handle it. She’s the only one I really care about.”
—Max, 18, Chestnut Hill, MA

“I cheat all the time on my girls. I’m just a player like that. It ruins my relationships, but, hey, it’s worth it to get some booty from everyone.”
—Jason Julien, 17, Otsego, MI

Broken Hearts

“My boyfriend cheated on me a couple of months ago with my best friend. It completely ruined our relationship, and now no one will go out with him because they say he’s a player.”
—Jocelyn Dube, 16, Kalamazoo, MI

“My girlfriend cheated on me, and it completely destroyed me. I can’t look at another female in the same way again.”
—Craig Anderson, 14, South Bend, IN

“My boyfriend, the sleaze bag he is, decided I wasn’t good enough for him, so he cheated on me with four other girls. Talk about ruining a relationship.”
—Geralyn Luoma, 14, Owosso, MI


Colleen Farrell, a Sex, Etc. Contributor from Plainwell, MI, did additional reporting for this story.