How To Safely Explore the Cyberdating Scene

By Rick Gallagher, 15, Staff Writer

Originally Published: Apr 13, 2004

Revised: Nov 1, 2006

The Internet has launched dating into another world. Cyberspace. Can't find a date? Want to chat with someone 2,000 miles away, or just tired of the same-old dating experience? Well, log onto your computer and you'll have access to all the fish in the sea.

And cyberspace doesn't discriminate. Gay, lesbian, bi, straight. It doesn't matter! Can it really be this perfect?

Photo by Mat Linek

Truth is, tons of teens go online everyday and have great experiences, but there are plenty of dangers, too. So, the trick is to stick to some general rules so you can safely explore cyberspace.

"The Internet is a great place for teens to meet," says John Suler, a Rider University (New Jersey) psychology professor who has studied online relationships. "In some ways, it's simpler than a face-to-face relationship because there are fewer pressures."

A Different World

But first you have to understand the differences between meeting online and in real life. Online, it's much easier to lie about who you are. So that 18-year-old hottie could really be a 50-year-old child molester.

Lawrence Magid, a Los Angeles Times syndicated writer and editor of Safeteens.com, says teens are more vulnerable to sexual assault and other dangers that can come from making online connections.

Still, the number of teens who are molested, abducted, or leave home because of online hookups is pretty small, Magid adds.

But, it does happens and when it does, it can be really bad.

So be suspicious of anyone who asks too many personal questions, especially where you live or how to get in touch with you. Also be wary of anyone who tries to turn you against your parents, teachers, or friends. If they make you feel uncomfortable in any way, cut off communication.

Cautious Chat

Be especially careful in chat rooms. Some pedophiles (child molesters) use chat rooms to find victims. And they will almost definitely lie about who they are and what they want. Magid advises against a face-to-face, unless you talk it over with your parents first. If they agree, then follow the rules! Always meet in a public place. Take a friend with you (or at least make sure your parents or a close friend know where you are). And leave if you feel uncomfortable.

Another problem with cyberdating is that you miss important clues that tell you a lot about a person, Suler says.

Being able to see, hear, touch, and smell the other person gives you a powerful advantage when deciding if you like someone.

But, online relationships can help you find friends you might never meet in your own backyard, kind of like electronic pen pals. And that can be very safe -- as long as you don' t spend all your spare time with your virtual friends. Cyber-relationships are no substitute for real-life ones.

Some people do go from the virtual to the real world. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't

Frances Alvarez, 17, chatted with a guy online for almost two months and then two weeks on the phone before meeting him in person.

"We first met at the movies and ended up dating for four months," she says. "Then he just stopped talking to me for no reason and that really hurt."

"Meeting people online is different," adds Chris Collins, a 20-year-old from New Jersey who is gay. "You can search for people who are gay, for instance, while that's a difficult thing to do in person. It's also a good way to compare how you're dealing with being gay and talking to people about it without actually coming out of the closet."

So, cyberdating has its up and downs, just like real life relationships. Take your time. Be smart. And have fun.

Tips for Safe Cyberdating

Never give your last name, home address, phone number or other ways someone can find you. Stop communication with anyone who pressures you for this information or who writes things that make you feel weird or uncomfortable.

Pay attention to red flags. Steer clear of someone who gets angry, frustrated, or puts pressure on you, or says negative things about you, your family, or friends.

Remember, people you meet on the Internet may not be who they say they are.

Talk to your parents about your online cruising. If you decide to meet someone in real life, meet in a public place with lots of people around. Never meet at one of your homes. Stay away from hikes, bike rides or drive. Bring a friend with you. Or at least make sure someone knows about your date.

If you date scares you or makes you feel weird, get out of there. Say you have to go to the bathroom. Call your parents, a friend, or someone else. If you have to, call the police. Never feel embarrassed or worried about doing this. Better safe than sorry.

Your Comments

Another Tip

Posted by: orangecirclestar on Jul 12th, 2008 2:20am

Something I've found that helps to figure out if someone is
actually who they say they are, is to webcam with them. For
some reason, I've never found webcamming mentioned in any
articles about meeting someone online. As far as I know,
there's no way to stage a webcam or something, so when you
webcam, it is actually showing you the real person.

RE: Question?

Posted by: DanR on Apr 24th, 2008 1:52pm

The important thing to highlight here is that he scares you
and your friends because of the sexual things he says. If
anyone makes you uncomfortable, whether they are older,
younger, or the same age as you, your best bet is to follow
your feelings and try to avoid that situation as much as
possible. If this person is in a position of authority
(like a caregiver or teacher or counselor) your best bet is
to let another trusted adult know as well. Online you never
know who are really talking to!

Question?

Posted by: caelin mccallum on Apr 22nd, 2008 3:48pm

I've been talking to a guy from about 3 to 4 years now and
he's older than me. I think that he thinks I'm a pedophile
because I asked him for his cell phone number. Though, he's
the one who has been scaring me and my friends because of
the sexual things he has said to me. Should I stop talking
to him?

it does work

Posted by: StephanieSweetie on Jan 4th, 2008 6:10am

I met my boyfriend on the internet. we've been dating 7
months and are still going. i understand about the risks but
u really can end up meeting somone spechial i know many
poeple who have met bestfriends through online sites. the
internet is a usful thing. use it just be wary

i'm in an online long distance relationship

Posted by: sweetnshi_20 on Dec 7th, 2007 7:02pm

I've talked to a guy for about 4 years and dated on and off
that time and stayed good friends..We sent
pictures,cam,letters, emails and talk on the phone. We've
currently been dating a year in feb. and plan on meeting
later on after we finish up high school. He's 19 in jersey
and im 18 and both our parents know about eachother and now
we talk on the phone more than internet..And we are loving
it and gonna meet one day

my story

Posted by: luckyyy on Jul 7th, 2007 9:45pm

i've been "dating" someone online for a year now and he
lives 2,000 miles away and we're meeting next month! both of
our families will be there so it'll be safe. :)

i agree

Posted by: deppconfusion on Jun 25th, 2007 3:55pm

i agree with the first person who posted. everybody who
tells us about talking to "strangers" online makes it seem
like no matter what we do, we're going to get molested or
something. i'm glad it said in the article the chances are
slim. i mean, if you take precautions, you can't get hurt. i
used to have a relationship over the internet. i thought it
was weird so i blocked him and stopped the whole thing. now
i feel bad because i know that it's normal. thanks for the
help this article gives! =]

Not a bad article

Posted by: iluvnooyawk on Jun 18th, 2007 12:34am

A friend of mine has a pretty tight relationship with
someone online. Thanks for pointing out in this article that
the chance of really bad things happening is pretty slim,
but still there. Most of the time, we get exaggerated info
meant to scare us. What else is new?

4 year online relationship!

Posted by: ilovetanner13 on May 20th, 2007 7:36pm

I have been talking to this guy on the internet for 4 years
now. Our first 2 years was just on Yahoo! We got to know
each other over the years so we exchanged numbers. We are
really close now and are planning to meet in 2 years when he
is 18. I'm hoping everything will go great.

Be careful

Posted by: beutifulxdiZasTr on Apr 8th, 2007 4:27pm

you have to know what your doing. Because there are allot
scams out there i mean, who knows whats going onn