Most of us know that feeling at the pit of our stomach when we see the object of our affection with someone else. It’s jealousy. But while most of us feel jealousy, do we understand it? If you learn to understand jealousy, you can conquer the “green-eyed monster” and steer your relationship in the right direction.

Many teens are reluctant to admit to jealousy since it involves many “negative” feelings like suspicion, anger, insecurity, and possessiveness. Others are reluctant to admit they are jealous because it makes them seem controlling.

Art by Eve Schneider Green-Eyed Monster

“I get jealous of my girlfriend when I see her talking to other guys,” says Larry, 18, of Michigan, “but I don’t say anything because then she’ll break up with me because I’m a jealous freak.”

Fear of what others think leads some teens to remain silent about their jealous feelings. But these teens don’t realize that jealousy — even though it involves negative thoughts — is a natural feeling, like sadness, hope, and joy. In fact, admitting to jealousy can help build a strong bond between two people.

“For a relationship to grow and flourish, you have to work on defusing jealousy,” says Dr. Edward Dreyfuss, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles. “If you don’t, you’ll build walls between you and your partner, thus strangling the relationship.”

Many teens either mask or run away from situations that bring out jealousy. These teens like to think that they are “handling it.” However, pretty soon they’ll find themselves in another relationship, experiencing the same negative effects of their own jealous feelings.

James, 16, from Florida, explains how he lost a good friend because of jealousy.

“My friends and I were on the same baseball team and, after practices, we always went out to eat. After a few practices, for some reason or other, Danny always canceled. It got to the point that I thought he had found other friends to be with. I became incredibly jealous and defensive whenever he spoke to me. I never told him what bothered me, and we stopped talking.”

So how can you tame the “green-eyed monster” and conquer jealousy? At the risk of sounding trite, the best solution is communication. Tell your partner or friend what makes you jealous and when jealousy bothers you. Sometimes you’ll find that the other person didn’t even imagine you felt jealous. Or you might find that the other person has some of the same feelings.

One thing is certain: only by releasing jealous feelings can you build strong foundations for your relationships.