“Make sure you know your partner. You might think he or she is perfect. But they might have a sexual history before you, and they are too shy to let it out.”
—Joshua, 17, New Jersey
Sex Education by Teens, for Teens!
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“Make sure you know your partner. You might think he or she is perfect. But they might have a sexual history before you, and they are too shy to let it out.”
—Joshua, 17, New Jersey
Originally Published: Apr 7, 2006
Revised: Jun 29, 2009
I just went through a relationship that crashed and burned. Again. Why was I failing so miserably at relationships when it seemed like I was really successful in other areas in my life? I didn’t understand what kept going wrong.
Jeff had seemed like a perfect match for me. We could talk for hours about (almost) everything—music, movies, books, our parents and even politics. We became close quickly—he even turned out to be a great kisser. But in all of these conversations, we never talked about our relationship or what either one of us was expecting from it.
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Then, one day on the way to my house, he casually mentioned his girlfriend who was coming home on a visit from her college. I was bewildered. I didn’t want this. I wanted a relationship of intimacy and trust where we could actually talk about the relationship rather than someone else assuming I was “down” for anything.
After countless conversations with friends, journal entries and a lot of talking to myself, I came up with an answer that made sense. Up until now, I had learned to be “good.” But being good did not help me in my relationships. In fact, it was contributing to my failure to communicate with my partners what I wanted.
Ask my parents about me. They will tell you that I am an ideal daughter—very loving. Plus, I don’t talk back, I put others before me, and most importantly, I follow the rules. Ask my teachers about me, and they will say the same thing.
What I haven’t learned is how to communicate with others in a straight-forward way. Some people call it assertive; my parents and teachers call it “pushy.” Either way, I decided I needed to learn how to be more confident with my partners.
This revelation prompted me to sit down and write a list of questions in my journal. My first goal was to get to know myself better because if I didn’t know where I wanted to go, then I couldn’t explain it to my partner. And if I couldn’t explain it to a partner, then I was going to end up places I didn’t want to be!
Here are the questions I came up with:
Now, I feel good about this list —clearer and ready to tackle the dating world again. I know I have more journaling to do; this is just a start. But I’m excited about being responsible for creating what I want.
The next time I meet someone really cool and he seems like the perfect match for me, I’m going to say something like, “Let’s talk about what we want from each other,” or “So, what does your ideal dating situation look like?” And, of course, I’m going to ask, “Are you seeing anyone else?” I will not just assume that we are on the same page.
Once I get that out of the way, I’m going to do my best to explain that as we go along I really want to be able to talk about things like this. Then, when we really have some trust built up, I’m going to dig into even deeper issues. I can’t wait!
RE: PLZ HELP
Posted by: DanR on Jan 5th, 2009 9:49pm
I can't tell you if it is OK...it is up to you if you feel
OK with this. You need to think about your personal and
spiritual values and how you feel about your friend, then
decide if you feel it is OK. If you need help figuring it
out, you could talk to a trusted adult in your life, like a
care giver, or a teacher or coach.
PLZ HELP
Posted by: mysterious_girl on Dec 29th, 2008 12:01pm
Ummmmm, well basically my Best Friend and I were just
talking and having coffee, then suddenly he started to kiss
me (french kiss). I didnt even flinch, he asked me out a it
l8er. I sed yes. Is that ok???
Helpful
Posted by: jolly_jokette_23 on Oct 7th, 2008 8:44pm
This artcle is very helpful and inciteful.
the guy
Posted by: vampireknight77 on Jul 7th, 2007 5:01pm
so there's this guy, and he's really nice and stuff. the
ideal guy for me. but then he wont share our relationship
because he's scared people will criticise him because he's
one year older than me. he's missing me over the summer, and
i really like him. im jsut wondering can you write another
article that teaches people to deal with criticism in
relationships or something like that?
I agree with...
Posted by: dragongal8813 on Jun 29th, 2007 9:42pm
This was definitely a helpful article. I often do make an
internal guide about my dating relationship and try to be
upfront about some of the relationship questions. It is a
good idea to wait on the deeper stuff and build the trust
first. It makes it easier on communication wise later on.
i like this
Posted by: loka508 on Feb 21st, 2007 11:27am
I really enjoyed reading this because i often do things like
make maps for relationships, ecxept i just call it a list. i
list what i want from a guy and the things i have to give
and so on.
chances? bad idea?
Posted by: Lone Wolf on Jul 28th, 2009 10:36pm
this article really is helping me right now.but is it a good
idea to give the relationship time to see if it will
improve?