When 20-year-old Deacon, of Hamilton, NJ, started dating his girlfriend, she thought he was a virgin.

“When I told her I lost my virginity to the girl she called ‘the school slut,’ it really put a strain on our relationship. When it came time for us to have sex, she was extremely uncomfortable,” he says.

Letting your partner know you’re not a virgin can be one of the hardest conversations you have in your relationship. Your partner may have assumed you were a virgin or may become jealous once he or she finds out you had sex with an ex. Either way, you must remember honesty is the foundation of a healthy relationship.

Photo by Nika

Although it may seem almost impossible to have this conversation with your partner, there are some things that may help.

• Find a good time to talk, when your partner is not stressed or distracted. You want him or her to hear you out and fully understand what you are saying.
• Explain that you lost your virginity, and this is in the past. Reassure your partner that the person you lost your virginity to is no longer part of your life. If you’re still friends with this person, explain that you do not have romantic or sexual feelings for him or her now.
• Don’t start describing what happened when you lost your virginity. (Your partner doesn’t want to know how hot the guy was that you lost your virginity to.) But be straight if you had an experience that was bad or if this experience changed how you feel or think about sex.
• Get tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), if you didn’t use condoms with your previous partner. Let your partner know the results. (Need to tell your partner you have an STD? Read How to Tell Your Partner You Have a Sexually Transmitted Disease.) If and when you and your current partner decide to have oral, vaginal or anal sex, you should definitely discuss using condoms and birth control.
• Speak from your heart. Sincerity always helps when you’re having a tough conversation.

Deacon’s talk with his girlfriend helped their relationship.

“Although my girlfriend was a little unsure of us once she found out I wasn’t a virgin, it has made us a lot closer. Looking back, I am glad I told her the truth before she heard it from someone else. It is almost three years later, and we’re still together,” he says.

Remember that whether you’re a virgin or not, the only 100-percent effective way to avoid an unplanned pregnancy and STDs is to not have oral, vaginal or anal sex.