The Pregnancy Panic

By Bianca*, 18, Contributor

Originally Published: Feb 2, 2005

Revised: Aug 1, 2008

As my calculus teacher scribbles tangled equations on the chalkboard before me and my fellow juniors, I try to calculate how many days into my period I was when I lost my virginity. Was I in the second week? Maybe day 20?

If the sperm can live for three to six days inside of me and my egg was traveling at a constant rate toward wherever it goes to be fertilized, could I be pregnant now? It's like an impossible math problem on a final exam, only I have far more at stake than a decent grade.

Photo by Emma Lincoln Pattee

Calculus & Pregnancy

While my teacher's back is turned, my friend Jill leans over to me and whimpers, "Oh my god, Bianca, I am going to die this week! We have the calc test on Tuesday, then I have my English paper and the bio lab report due Wednesday!" She grimaces at me, sighs noisily, then drops her head into her hands.

I ignore her. I want to tell her how easy life would be if all I had to worry about was cramming for calculus and finding a thesis for an essay.

I want to tell her I think I might be pregnant. That no matter how I calculate it, one night of sex plus a disregard for protection inevitably equals fertilization. That probably, as we sit here in class, the first few cells of a human being are developing inside of me. A baby.

I want to tell her how the thought of kissing my boyfriend makes me dry heave; he infuriates and repulses me. My voice develops a monotone chill whenever I speak to him on the phone. He doesn't have to worry about going to class or playing lacrosse a few months from now, when his stomach is the size of a backpack, but I do.

Longing to Tell

I want to curl up on Jill's couch and spill to her that instead of researching secondary sources for the lab report, I've been reading up on pregnancy tests, morning-after pills and abortions. Last night, I locked my bedroom door, buried myself under a comforter and opened up my calc textbook—behind which I had hidden one of the sex ed guides from my puberty days.

I long to explain my undercover trip to a chain pharmacy where I bought a pregnancy test. I read the instructions while hidden alone in a coffee-shop bathroom, then stuffed the plastic indicator into a deep, dark, zippered compartment in my purse, until I would be far enough along in my cycle to use it.

All of these things I want to confess, but don't. Getting pregnant at 17 seems so messy. In the eyes of my parents, their friends and even my friends, it signifies poor planning, sloppiness and loose morals. Pregnant is not sexy and cool.

Even my closest friends wouldn't understand. The virgins would be horrified and condescending. The ones who have "done it" would see me as incompetent, as having bungled the first hurdle of womanhood by not planning enough in advance. My boyfriend? He'd think me immature and a liability, a bother, a nuisance or so I told myself in my panicked and paranoid state.

Confessions

With my secret fear keeping me tossing at night, I pray for a red stain to appear. Eventually, it does, to my great and intense relief, but what comes to light later is even more relieving and revealing than the menstrual blood.

I discover my concern had not been unique. My friend Rachel calls me a week later, her voice high and strained, and demands I "come over. Right. Now." Sitting cross-legged on her bed and looking anywhere but at me, she explains that she and Brian had sex recently, and now her period is late. "But I'm on the Pill, so I shouldn't be, you know. . . But what should I do, Bianca? What if I am?" Rachel laments.

Over a midnight spill-session the following month, Jill confesses that she and her boyfriend lived in a state of panic after they lost their virginity to one another, despite using protection. Convinced she had accidentally become pregnant, Jill only started breathing again after a test at the gynecologist's office proved she was fetus-free.

Vanessa phones me in tears. For the last 12 hours, she has not stopped vomiting and has suffered stomach-wrenching, body-shaking cramps from taking the morning-after pill.

Fearing that although her boyfriend pulled out, she could still have gotten pregnant, she went to Planned Parenthood and, without telling her mom, boyfriend or any friend but me, took the anti-pregnancy pill. Although plagued by the temporary discomfort, Vanessa was relieved to have cast off the burden of doubt, concern and fear.

Rite of Passage

My first experience with sex thrilled me, stressed me, and informed me. As I realized later, the dark, lonely period of pregnancy-paranoia and shame that I endured was practically a rite of passage of sex, almost as normal and universal among my friends as the physical pain we endured our first times.

But sex doesn't have to be tinged with regret. After my period of panic, I got a prescription for the Pill to ward off pregnancy and anxiety.

Bianca is a pseudonym for an 18-year-old contributor who lives in Oregon.

Your Comments

Re: so scared

Posted by: CJT on Jan 19th, 2010 2:03pm

Condoms are highly effective at reducing the risk of
pregnancy, so if the condom was used correctly then there is
not a huge risk that you're describing. Ejaculate would need
to get into your vagina for there to be a pregnancy risk. If
you get your period, you will have assurance that you are
not pregnant. If your period is late or you miss it, you can
take a pregnancy test (you'll need to wait about 2 weeks
from the risk) to find out for sure if you are pregnant.

So scared

Posted by: Speak out on Jan 14th, 2010 6:20pm

Me and my boyfriend had sex on the 5th. He was wearing a
condom and it didnt go in far at all but i kno that he did
cum a little bit. My period is due on the 16th and today is
the 14th. I read up on early pregnancy symptoms as in
fatigue, cramping, sore breasts, and moodiness. I have all
of those symptoms. Is it becuz my period is coming up or am
i pregnant?

re: worried sick

Posted by: CJT on Jan 4th, 2010 2:08pm

Yes, there is some risk of pregnancy in what you've
described. Even if his penis was not completely inside of
you or the sex did not last long, there is a risk there.
Precum itself doesn't typically contain sperm, but it can
pick up sperm left in the urethra on its way out if the guy
has ejaculated recently. Here are some links that might help
with more
info: http://www.sexetc.org/faq/pregnancy/991 http://www.sex
etc.org/faq/pregnancy/992 http://www.sexetc.org/faq/pregnanc
y/4022

re: am I pregnant?

Posted by: CJT on Jan 4th, 2010 2:04pm

If you've gotten your period since the risk, even if the
period was late, then that is an indication that you're not
pregnant. If you're still worried and would like a medical
professional to do a test for your peace of mind, you can
find a local clinic here:
http://www.sexetc.org/page/get_tested

worried sick

Posted by: ryee on Jan 3rd, 2010 4:34pm

i dont really know if what i did is classified as sex..but
his penius didn't go all the way(nor half the way) into my
vagina opening because we both pulled away after like 5 min.
but still, am i at risk of being pregnant? i'm so scared and
i haven't got my period. but he didn't ejaculate..but
couldn't he have still 'leeked' or whatever?? help!!!!!!!

am i pregnant ?!?!?!?!

Posted by: lindyxc on Jan 3rd, 2010 12:43am

My boyfriend and i were about to have sex but before we put
the condom on his precum came we put the condom and
finished. This was 2 months ago. I got my period that month
then the next month my period came 4 days early. I have take
multiple pregancy tests that have all come up negative but
still have extremly sore breasts, constipation, and im very
moody. Could i be pregnant?

re: please help

Posted by: CJT on Dec 22nd, 2009 10:45am

Between some bleeding after the risk and the negative
pregnancy test taken this month it does not sound as if
you're pregnant. However, the symptoms you're describing are
concerning and so your best bet will be to schedule yourself
an appointment with a sexual healthcare provider. They can
do an exam and help you determine what is going on with your
body. Check out this link to help find a provider:
http://www.sexetc.org/page/get_tested

please help

Posted by: BabyHannah on Dec 20th, 2009 9:40pm

in mid november i had unprotected sex with a boy, and he
ejactulated. i havent had a period since, although i did
bleed for about 3 days a few weeks after, but it wasnt like
'period blood'. i took a pregnancy test last week, and the
result was negative. i keep getting really bad tummy pains,
and im still worried i might be pregnant. is there a chance
i could be having an ectopic pregnancy? please help im so
scared!!

Re: birth control and variables

Posted by: CJT on Dec 15th, 2009 12:46pm

While it's best to take your pills as close to the same time
daily, 6 hours would probably still be OK if that was not
regularly happening for you. You'd need to consult with the
doctor to find out whether your antibiotics called for any
backup method to be used; there are relatively few
antibiotics that have a very strong effect on the
effectiveness of birth control pills, but it's good to ask
about that if you're getting a new medication.

birth control and a few variables

Posted by: taylor18 on Dec 13th, 2009 5:45pm

ive taken my bc at the exact same time ever since i started
using it a year ago. the other day i didn't wake up to my
alarm and ended up taking it 6 hrs late. i've also been on
an antibiotic that can alter the effectiveness of the pill.
starting the day after i took it late, i had unprotected sex
twice. is there a good chance i can be pregnant?