To most people, apple pie is just a plain old dessert served with ice cream. But to our generation, it means much more. It symbolizes the beginning of a young guy’s sexual journey.

In American Pie, Jim experiments with dessert and makes a pact with three friends to lose his virginity by prom night, which he accomplishes. But it isn’t until the movie sequel, American Pie 2, that Jim really travels the road from sexual inexperience to “sexpert.” In the sequel, Jim learns everything from how to take off a bra to how to rub a girl just the right way. 

Since this is Hollywood, Jim’s sexual inexperience is resolved within two hours. But what’s it like for real sexually inexperienced guys who (after thinking it over) have decided to not abstain from sex and start becoming sexually active? 

“I’m scared about doing it wrong because I think, ‘What if she doesn’t like it, but won’t tell me, and then goes off and says how bad I was?’ You just feel stupid,” admits Bryce Kester, 15, of Stockton, CA.  

Alex Stribling, 16, of North Augusta, SC, has similar worries.  

“I sometimes feel I might be doing something the wrong way. I don't think I'm experienced enough to be able to read the signals a girl is giving off, so it's difficult for me to tell how I'm doing,” he says.

Tim Humphrey, 17, of Arkansas, agrees. He adds that the pressure on sexually inexperienced guys can be overwhelming. 

“Guys are supposed to know exactly what they’re doing and lead the way with their partners. But it’s hard to be 15 and know how to make a girl excited. After all, every girl is different,” says Humphrey. 

Common Journey

As they begin the sexual journey, these guys are not alone. Less than one-quarter of American males are sexually experienced by age 15. But by age 20, nine in ten males have had intercourse, according to In Their Own Right, a recent report on guys’ sexual health by the Alan Guttmacher Institute in New York City.  

For most guys who've chosen to be sexually active, this transition from beginner to sexpert can be a rough one, filled with tremendous pressure and anxiety. 

What causes all this pressure? Most guys claim that their worries come from personal fears about performing. They worry that their partners will not enjoy the experience. Kester and Humphrey say that their biggest concerns are “doing it wrong” and not satisfying their partners.

Pressure also comes from friends and society at large. According to Kester, male friends put more pressure on him than his female partners.

“Guys sound like they know everything, but they don’t. They just give you a hard time for not doing anything sexual,” he says.  

Society puts a huge pressure on young men to be knowledgeable about sex, according to David L. Bell, M.D., medical director of the Young Men’s Clinic, a project of Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health and New York Presbyterian Hospital, in New York City.

“Society covertly pressures guys to become sexually involved. Because of our widespread media depiction of sex on TV, in movies, etc., young people get a sense that sexual involvement is the main reason to be in a relationship,” explains Dr. Bell.

Being Real

So, how do sexually inexperienced guys learn to deal with the pressure? First, they should decide whether or not they really want to become sexually active. 

Dr. Bell stresses that “boys should start experimenting because they feel they’re ready—not because of peer pressure or what they assume should happen. 

“They should know that if they don’t like someone, it’s OK not to want to become sexually involved with her or him, even if it’s a kiss. They shouldn’t feel badly or start thinking something is wrong with them,” he says. 

But if a guy wants to start experimenting sexually, Dr. Bell recommends that he learn about his body first, to become familiar with how it works. 

Masturbation is one healthy way for a guy to start learning about his body and what feels good. And books give guys a window into what to expect, too. (Try The What’s Happening to My Body? Book for Boys, by Lynda Madaras.)

“Guys need to and should feel very comfortable with themselves when they start experimenting. They need to know the basics of their anatomy and why and how they get erections,” adds Dr. Bell.  

Guys should also communicate with their partner about their sexual history and how far they want to take the relationship sexually, states Dr. Bell. 

He also suggests that guys learn about safer sex. One way is to practice putting on condoms, which should be used during oral, vaginal, or anal intercourse. [For steps on correct condom use, click here.]

Talk About It!

As for satisfying your partner, have no fear, guys—the solution is simple. Just ask your partner what feels good for him or her. Your partner will most likely respond.

“When a boy asks how to please you, it shows he isn’t afraid to open up to you.  He wants to get to know you on a deeper level, and that’s great,” says Megan Finley, 18, of Grafton, ND.

Tim Humphrey agrees. When he asked his girlfriend what made her tick, it really brought them closer together emotionally.  

“She and I have been together for two years now, and it’s because we’re completely open and honest with each other about what we want and don’t want in the relationship. I wouldn’t have it any other way,” he says. 

So, don’t worry, guys. This time it’s OK to stop and ask for directions.  

Contributors Amy Haack, 18, of Stockton, CA, and Lindsay Wilkes-Edrington, 15, of North Augusta, SC, contributed to this story.