Sue Johanson from Talk Sex With Sue Johanson

Sex, Etc.: Why are many people afraid to talk about sex, even with their own partners?

Sue Johanson: They are uncomfortable talking about sex because they don't want people to think they know about it. Only "sleaze bags" know about sex. The other answer is, of course, they don't have the basic information. They don't have language they're comfortable with. They can't say "breast" comfortably, but they don't like the word "tits." So, they don't have the language or the skills or the knowledge—and if you put them all together, you have a complete communication block.

Sex, Etc.: You write in Sex, Sex, and More Sex: "It's sad that the most glorious of sexual experiences can make us feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, and abnormal." Why do we feel guilty, and how can we change this?

SJ: We feel guilty because of the reasons I just gave. But another thing is [we don't] get to like our bodies. And this is where I have a huge problem with pornography, because if a guy or a couple watches porn, they see Debbie doing Dallas, and Debbie has bodacious ta-tas that are augmented beyond belief, and Debbie is double jointed. Women look at that and figure, "I can't compete. That's what he wants, and I can't or won't do it," and so for them, they give up. They just say "no."

Sex, Etc.: So porn videos are unrealistic and set up unrealistic expectations?

SJ: Absolutely. Now the other totally unrealistic expectation or misconception is that to be a good lover, a guy has to have a humongous penis and an erection you can strike matches on. And he must bring his partner to cataclysmic orgasm every time they have sex. And you know as well as I that females do not have orgasms every time they have sex.

Sex, Etc.: What can we do about feeling guilty and like we don't measure up?

SJ: Get to like your own body. I would love it if women could stand bare-butt naked after a shower—bare-butt naked in front of a full-length mirror—and take a look at their bodies and say, "I have great arms; they're strong. They're getting a little flabby, but hey, that's OK, they still work and they don't hurt. I love them!" And then go right down your body. And look at it. Touch it. Get to like it. It's yours.

Sex, Etc.: Is there a gap between what teens want to know about sex and what they're being taught in sex-ed class?

SJ: Absolutely. [Adults] teach teens what we think they ought to know, and we never tell them what they want to know. They want to know where to get birth control pills without telling their parents. They aren't taught about the morning-after pill [emergency contraception]—that it works and it's inexpensive and available. If you don't know about it, you can't get it.

Sex, Etc.: How can we teach teens about the realities of sex—contraceptive use, sexually transmitted infections, etc—while also teaching them about the positives without making it seem like we're promoting teen sex?

SJ: We can't "promote" sex; it promotes itself. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. It feels good, and kids and adults have sex for many, many reasons. Tell them everything they want to know. Put out a question box and [let] kids write out questions anonymously. The teacher answers them.

Now the other thing that helps a great deal in schools is if they have a sex ed teacher who comes into the school. She's not the gym teacher, who teaches swimming and basketball and field hockey. I'd love it if it was a male-and-female team, but that seldom happens. But the team would come in and teach it, and then go to a health room and say, "Come to the health room if you have any questions." This works.

Sex, Etc.: What about teens who feel they can't talk to their parents about sex, but really want to share what's going on with them. How can they start a discussion?

SJ: Write it out. Kids are all computer savvy. Sit down and write to your parents on the computer. And just say, "I need to talk to you. I have some questions and I'm scared. There's some stuff I don't know and I really need to talk to you about sex." Tear it off and put it on their pillow. They'll read it.