“I don't think girls should be ashamed or feel bad about masturbating. I am not ashamed of saying I masturbate, and I don't think anyone else should be either.”
—Jillian, 16, GA
A Girl Kisses a Girl...Is She Lesbian? Straight? Bi?
Originally Published: Feb 17, 2005
Revised: Oct 11, 2006
Many so-called straight girls in my high school have experimented sexually with other girls. Many tell me about it, because they say I'm open-minded. Some are coming out as lesbian or bisexual, at least at school. But some are not coming out and do not want to label themselves.
"The only way a person will know whether what she is doing is experimentation or part of realizing she is lesbian or bisexual is to experience it and reflect carefully on the feelings that come up as a result of the experience," says Schroeder.
"I liked my best friend, but I thought it was a crush, and then I started fantasizing that I kissed her. I denied it for over a month and then when I realized I was gay, I panicked. The process was hard, but I met my first girlfriend and she helped me" says Gutierrez.
But even though Gutierrez realized she was gay, she tried dating guys. The experience only confirmed her sexual identity.
"When I started dating guys again, I felt out of place...I didn't feel like it was right. Every time I kissed a guy on the lips, it was like I was playing spin the bottle and was forced to kiss him. This experience was good, because it proved that I was different. It confirmed that I was a lesbian."
Seventeen-year-old Sofia, of Washington, D.C., describes herself as a "straight girl who has experimented." She says that girls who experiment are "curious, but not sure yet what they like and don't like."
She adds that bisexual or lesbian girls "feel more of an emotional attachment for other girls. The closest thing I'd be is ‘bi-curious.' I wouldn't call myself lesbian or bi until I was sure, and I'm not sure yet."
Juliet, 15, of South Plainfield, NJ, is also still exploring her sexual identity. She is currently experimenting with another girl.
"We've always been pretty close, and we always used to kiss on the cheek. One day we missed, and it's been kisses on the lips [ever since]. One day we decided to take it a step further. We just felt comfortable around each other. It kind of comes naturally."
Dana, 18, of Montclair, NJ, does not consider herself lesbian or bisexual, even though she has had a girlfriend for two years.
"I don't like labels. I have never felt this way about any other girl, and I don't really plan on it in the future. I just see my girlfriend and me being together happily, without the restrictions of stereotypes or labels," says Dana.
"One same-gender experience does not necessarily make you a lesbian or bisexual," says Schroeder. "At the same time, that one kiss can confirm feelings a girl has had for a while and may not have been aware of or accepted yet."
Schroeder says that "teens would love it if there was a checklist they could go down, mark answers to, and then score to see whether they are heterosexual, lesbian, or bisexual. But it's never that easy. Feelings of attraction are discovered, not decided upon."
She adds that many girls know what their sexual orientation is without being sexual with someone.
So, girls who wonder whether or not their actions make them lesbian or bisexual can remember that everyone is different—and it's normal to be different. Focus more on how you feel about your sexual behaviors, and less about what these behaviors do or don't "make" you.
"Be who you are and feel what you feel," adds Schroeder. "When it becomes important to attach a label to those feelings, you'll know when the time is right."
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Photo by Erin Anello |
This led me to wonder, how does sexual experimentation influence our identity as straight, lesbian, or bisexual?
Breaking It Down
First off, girls and guys need to understand that you "discover" your feelings of sexual attraction, not just "decide" who you are attracted to, according to Elizabeth Schroeder, MSW, who is a human sexuality professor at Montclair State University, in NJ."The only way a person will know whether what she is doing is experimentation or part of realizing she is lesbian or bisexual is to experience it and reflect carefully on the feelings that come up as a result of the experience," says Schroeder.
Natasha's Story
Seventeen-year-old Natasha Gutierrez, of New York City, reflected on her sexual identity after experimenting with both guys and girls. She first realized she was a lesbian in eighth grade."I liked my best friend, but I thought it was a crush, and then I started fantasizing that I kissed her. I denied it for over a month and then when I realized I was gay, I panicked. The process was hard, but I met my first girlfriend and she helped me" says Gutierrez.
But even though Gutierrez realized she was gay, she tried dating guys. The experience only confirmed her sexual identity.
"When I started dating guys again, I felt out of place...I didn't feel like it was right. Every time I kissed a guy on the lips, it was like I was playing spin the bottle and was forced to kiss him. This experience was good, because it proved that I was different. It confirmed that I was a lesbian."
Sofia, Juliet & Dana
Schroeder says that our sexual behaviors can help clarify things. But they are not what determine our sexual identity. Just consider the experiences of Sofia, Juliet, and Dana.Seventeen-year-old Sofia, of Washington, D.C., describes herself as a "straight girl who has experimented." She says that girls who experiment are "curious, but not sure yet what they like and don't like."
She adds that bisexual or lesbian girls "feel more of an emotional attachment for other girls. The closest thing I'd be is ‘bi-curious.' I wouldn't call myself lesbian or bi until I was sure, and I'm not sure yet."
Juliet, 15, of South Plainfield, NJ, is also still exploring her sexual identity. She is currently experimenting with another girl.
"We've always been pretty close, and we always used to kiss on the cheek. One day we missed, and it's been kisses on the lips [ever since]. One day we decided to take it a step further. We just felt comfortable around each other. It kind of comes naturally."
Dana, 18, of Montclair, NJ, does not consider herself lesbian or bisexual, even though she has had a girlfriend for two years.
"I don't like labels. I have never felt this way about any other girl, and I don't really plan on it in the future. I just see my girlfriend and me being together happily, without the restrictions of stereotypes or labels," says Dana.
A Sexual Checklist?
As these girls show, there isn't one set formula for sexual identity."One same-gender experience does not necessarily make you a lesbian or bisexual," says Schroeder. "At the same time, that one kiss can confirm feelings a girl has had for a while and may not have been aware of or accepted yet."
Schroeder says that "teens would love it if there was a checklist they could go down, mark answers to, and then score to see whether they are heterosexual, lesbian, or bisexual. But it's never that easy. Feelings of attraction are discovered, not decided upon."
She adds that many girls know what their sexual orientation is without being sexual with someone.
So, girls who wonder whether or not their actions make them lesbian or bisexual can remember that everyone is different—and it's normal to be different. Focus more on how you feel about your sexual behaviors, and less about what these behaviors do or don't "make" you.
"Be who you are and feel what you feel," adds Schroeder. "When it becomes important to attach a label to those feelings, you'll know when the time is right."
Additional reporting by Contributor Alexis Henry, 17, of New York City.
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Your Comments
dont know
Posted by: no-room-left on Jul 23rd, 2008 10:25pm
i have dated guys and have had sex with some. it never
interested me to have sex with a girl, but i've always
wanted to kiss one and maybe even date them. i like the idea
of dating a girl but i dont think i'd go too far sexually,
is that ok? does anyone else feel like this? girls interest
me emotionally, and guys physically. then why do i want to
date a girl, and be their 'only one?'
it's NORMAL.
Posted by: .nooneknows13 on Jun 19th, 2008 3:01pm
i've kissed more girls than i have guys.
but i would never
EVER think of a girl sexually or in a relationship
way.
there's a word for it.
BI FRIENDLY.
you have no problem
kissing the same sex, but you only have sexual attraction
towards the opposite sex.
i am proudly bi friendly!
:D
re: I might be
Posted by: dragongal8813 on Apr 27th, 2008 10:31pm
I'm in agreement with you. For years, I said I was a
hetero. Only recently I am realizing my girl crushes, even
though I've only dated guys. What I've labeled myself as
lately is a "hetero with a bicurious streak" because it's
the closest term that describes me for the moment. I do
think that with a polyamourous relationship at the moment,
I'll figure out who I really am.
i might be
Posted by: happychick1123 on Mar 24th, 2008 5:09pm
I've never had a sexual contact with a girl but i havent
with a guy niether. I sumtymes fanize about girls.Really
more dan guyz.I'll find myself at school thinking about
gurls. I fings myself thinking about guyz 2. Me and my bf
just broke up and i think we didn't last long b/c dare wasnt
ne feelings 4 him. IDK...I guess you cld say i'm bi-curious.
Yes i'd like 2 do with with both sexs and have fun doing
it..but who knoss!!!!
When I Knew..
Posted by: VarsitySoccerCutie07 on Mar 19th, 2008 2:06am
i knew i was straight even though my bestfriend and i would
sometimes find ourselves making out at sleepovers, it was
fun and we had nothing to do.. whats the big deal? but one
night, it wasnt intense hormone filled kissing, it was
romantic i guess.. she kissed me on the forhead afterwords
and she held my hand under the covers. thats when i realized
it was more than just a fun experiment, i was falling in
love with this girl.. my bestfriend.
cool
Posted by: uncertainfreak on Dec 16th, 2007 1:54pm
to me, it makes no difference what you label yourself. i
experimented with my bff. she says shes straight. i consider
what we did sex but she doesnt see it that way. after
experimenting with her, i found out i like girls. ive kissed
my ex boyfriend, but i still dont know if i like guys.
sooner or later i will know and thats all that matters. to
me, i am not a virgin. but to others, i am.
parties
Posted by: Totalli__Happi on Aug 20th, 2007 5:35am
What girl (at least 17, let's hope, haha) hasn't made out
with another girl playfully at a party? It's all good
fun...but I know I'm straight. :]
mhmm.
Posted by: nik on Jun 14th, 2007 6:27pm
i am straight. that i know.
but i do like to have fun with
my girlfriends.
like my best friend. me and her will makeout
to teach each other tips on kissing that we have learned..
it is a fun healthy way to get closer and be even better
friends.
hm.
Posted by: kxchitanavong on May 8th, 2007 5:01pm
I think u shouldn't label urself. I don't label myself bc I
rather not although when I came out to some ppl they asked
if I labeled myself. I started figuring out I was into girls
about 2 years ago, it was first more into guy, now if I had
to label myself I would say I'm a lesbian. Guys don't
attract me as much as a girl can. I get physically n
emotionally attached girls but with guys, its really nothing
there. Right now I have a girlfriend and she's my first I'm
done a lot with. I can't say I h
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ur so gay
Posted by: sexii_african_boriqua_1994 on Oct 9th, 2008 1:29am
I am 14 goin 2 b 15 and ever since I wuz about 8, I knew I
wuz bisexual and every year ppl wud talk about me n say: ur
so gay !and I wud deny it . lmao wow how stupid wuz I. I wud
like 2 be ina romantic realatinship with a gurl, I daydream
bout girls that I juss make up in my head and I offically
came out and now every1 else is! wow.. I'm so gay.