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Friends with Benefits: The Perfect Solution or Risky Venture?
Originally Published: Apr 15, 2005
Revised: Nov 10, 2010
Is it OK for two close friends to have some sexual fun together, safe and secure in the comfort of each other's familiar arms? Or will sex ruin the friendship?
These are questions lots of teens struggle with, as many of us shy away from steady relationships, but still like to have a little physical affection every once in awhile.
Like most things in life, "friends with benefits" has its pros and cons.
Open Discussion
First, the health thing. Whenever two people have oral, vaginal, or anal sex, there is a risk of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). If you know a person really well, you're probably more comfortable talking about the sensitive stuff, like sexual history and current health status. So that could be a plus in the friends with benefits relationship.
Photo by Ana Bacic
Perhaps more importantly, good friends may be more likely to talk about and use protection—condoms and another form of birth control—so that lowers the risk of both STDs and pregnancy. (Of course, we should be doing this no matter who we're having sex with.) Also, in a friendly relationship you would want to look out for your partner's health, as well as your own.
Emotional Baggage
The stickier questions come from the emotional side. Is it safer emotionally to have sex with a confidant, rather than someone you've recently met or someone you really have the hots for?
"Getting that intimate and close always carries emotional baggage that complicates friendships" says Rebecca, 16, of Boulder, CO. "With friends, you see them all the time, so you're more inclined to get complicated reactions, because you generally care about one another."
Plus, sex often changes feelings. So you might start out as friends, but once you experience that kind of intimacy, things can change.
"Not every one is honest and one might be more vulnerable emotionally than the other," says Mary Jo Podgurski, RNC, president of Academy for Adolescent Health, in Washington, PA. That paves the way for hurt feelings—and maybe the end of a friendship.
On the other hand, both friends might discover that they really want to be more than "friends with benefits," and a relationship might develop.
Another risk is that since you're "just friends," you'll probably feel you can date other people. This could work, if both partners really look at this as a friendship. But sex often changes things. And one or the other might discover they feel a little jealous when their "friend with benefits" dates someone else. Also, the other people you're dating may not be so understanding about the "friends" thing.
"That could upset someone who genuinely likes the other person," says Podgurski. "And that ultimately can end up ruining physical and emotional relationships with other people you are seeing," adds Rebecca.
Big Questions
Many teens ultimately say that a "friends with benefits" relationship really depends on how the close the bond between the two friends is, how mature they are, and how well they deal with the situation.
Teens going into these relationships should ask: Are they honest with each other? Do they talk about their feelings? Can they set boundaries, limits, and expectations in the relationship? Will they feel comfortable telling the other person if their feelings change and they want to be more than friends?
"A lot depends on the depth of the relationship," says Jose, 17, of Chula Vista, CA.
If things do go wrong, remember, you risk losing a friendship, as well as a relationship.
"It's a friend, so it's going to be harder to shake than a casual relationship," say Podgurski. "Once we fall away from friendship, it's hard to recapture."
Your Comments
The thought is hot!!!
Posted by: Sweetness13 on Jun 9th, 2011 1:06am
So I've been asked by so many guys to be "benne friends" my
ex bf and I were going to do that at first but I really
wanted to expirience my first relationship, we did have sex
and foreplay but now since i'm single one of my guy friends
that wanted to be "benne friends" at once wants to try
again, so I said yes, because he is hot and charming and has
the cuttest smile, and the thought of having sex without
rules is hot! but I want to bring up having a relationship,
but maybe fwb is better :)
Messed up story...
Posted by: roberto4526 on Aug 20th, 2008 12:17pm
My story is weird. I had a friend, then eventually we became
boyfriend/girlfriend, but after about two months had a nasty
break-up. Well, the point is that after a few phone calls,
we became just sex partners, and then closer friends as
well, which made us "friends with benefits". we've been FWB
for the past 2 months, and is cool i guess. The only problem
is that i now look at sex in a totally different way. Before
I would see it as a way to express love, now it's just a
tool to have fun....
.
Posted by: BucksBabe92 on Jul 9th, 2008 5:17pm
i have a friend with benefits...ish and he thinks its cool
that we mess around all the time. but he doesnt know the
emotional toll that it really takes on me.
its hard
Its definetely risky.
Posted by: KayBrown on May 21st, 2008 6:53pm
I was best friends with a guy for 3 years and became his FWB
after 2 years and I say, it can work if the both of you are
on the same page in terms of relationships and feelings, but
when one of you may feel more than another things get
complicated. Friendship is the greatest thing in the world.
Its not worth becoming FWB.
not shure
Posted by: out law on Feb 19th, 2008 9:24pm
iv only gone as far as making out with some girls but i was
uncomfortable doing that so i dont know
it's bad
Posted by: cjoyce730 on Dec 22nd, 2007 10:05pm
friends with benefits not only seems so desperate.IT IS.
instead of fulfilling yourself sexually, why not do
somehting productive that'll help you in the future. i
personally never had a relationship like that, but i am
currenlty holding strong to my morals, and what i truly
knows is right. if there's a slight doubt that you think its
bad. then dont go for it. ;]
It can work
Posted by: marebear19 on Nov 7th, 2007 5:10am
I have had 2 Friends with Benefits. One lasted for 3 years.
We didnt have sex, but we messed around alot.
I have sex
with my new Friend with Benefit partner.
i think it would be cool
Posted by: Jacob NYC on Oct 19th, 2007 7:29pm
It would be nice to lounge with a close friend and
masturbate together, or eachother. maybe not the sex thing.
it depends on how close we are, and how far and
comforatable we are into the beneifits thing. know what I
mean?
I'm not sure!
Posted by: Kinder_Ahi on Sep 1st, 2007 7:19pm
I don't think we should have friends with benefits because
it complicates the relationship, how you feel and then act
around each other, but then thats just my point of view.
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FWB is so simple yet confusing
Posted by: MadisonHaze on Jan 20th, 2012 6:52pm
I've been with my Fwb for about a year and 2 months now. our
friendship has lasted for 6 years. it's been a mix of
awkward hate/good times,& we never talk about our
friendship,so i wonder what he thinks of me,but then i know
we are only using each other's bodies, so as mature as we
can be,i still think at times that we could be more,but i
know that will never happen. it's just really confusing,plus
it's our senior year so i dont want to mess up our
friendship by saying the wrong thing..