In observing straight-teen relationships, I have discovered a disturbing trend: Many guys want oral sex from their female partners but are reluctant to give it in return. I have also found that many girls, while more willing to give oral sex, are more restrained and even shocked at the prospect of receiving it.

This double standard also surfaced when I tried to find teens to talk to for this story. Girls were more willing to talk honestly about giving oral sex, while guys would just give a sarcastic answer about giving oral sex to a girl.

They all thought that performing oral sex on girls was 'nasty' and, for some reason, believed that fellatio (oral sex on a guy) was cleaner than cunnilingus (oral sex on a girl). (It's not.) One guy was so disgusted with the conversation that he left the table when we were talking.

 
But when it comes to girls giving guys 'head,' both genders agreed that it was the most natural, normal thing.

 
"Every guy I have ever gotten involved with always wants head—always," says Leila, 16, of New York City. The guys were more much less restrained when asked the same question. "Wahoo" and "hell yeah" were the two most common responses.

 
But why the double standard?

America the Unfair

A lot of factors lead to the double standard, says Maureen Kelly, vice president of education and training at the Planned Parenthood of Southern Finger Lakes, in Ithaca, NY. And the "sexist roots of American culture" is the major one, Kelly says.

 

"We are a culture that's so confused about sexuality...especially women's sexuality. The idea that women have sexual pleasure and enjoy receiving it is counter to so many of our deeply held cultural beliefs about women being the ones to please, accommodate, and give" she adds.

 

Kelly has heard many girls "talk about feeling like 'bad girls' because they like to think about sex and fantasize and watch porn, because they've been taught that only 'bad girls' and men can think about sex." She says these messages only hurt our natural curiosity about sex.

 

Oral sex is an intimate act for both genders, but many girls also feel vulnerable letting a partner 'go down' on them. Leila says she never asks guys to perform oral sex on her.

 

"I'm simply very uncomfortable letting anyone down there, so I never bring it up. If they ask if I want it, I make it clear that I do not want it now or ever," she says.

Common Ground

Guys and girls tend to agree on one thing: They are more nonchalant about oral sex than vaginal or anal intercourse. Many girls I interviewed said they would only have vaginal sex with someone they really loved.

 

"Many teens still see [intercourse] as a sacred thing that you should only do with someone you truly love," Leila says.

 

"Most teens realize it does take your relationship to a different level. Oral is like a warm up: One of you can have all the fun of sex without all the emotional attachment and baggage it creates."

 

But Kelly cautions that oral sex is real sex, so it carries emotional and physical risks.

 

"With oral sex, we are totally talking about an exchange of fluids between genitals and mouth," she says. "That carries the risk of transmitting infections." Using protection during oral sex can reduce the risks.

 

Oral sex can also affect the way you feel about yourself and your partner. When 16-year-old Tara, of New Jersey, gives oral sex to a guy, she feels "very vulnerable."

 

"The guy is definitely in power, and I do not feel in control. I feel that when I'm giving oral sex, the guy realizes he can ask again and I'll do it again for him, and then he'll use me. I always end up getting hurt, but I never do anything to stop it or prevent it."

Breaking Barriers

To avoid the risks and double standard, Kelly urges teens to "think, talk, and learn what feels good to you" before having oral sex. Set limits, too.

"Say yes when you mean it and no when you mean it, and be clear." She adds that oral sex can be a "mutually pleasurable sexual behavior when it is consensual, safe, talked about, thought about, and not rushed into because you think everyone else is doing it." 

Editors' Note: To learn about using protection during oral sex, check out the "Sexually Transmitted Diseases" section of our Web site.