“I regret the first time I had sex. I was very young, naive and irresponsible. I was under the impression that all of my friends were having sex, which I now know was not true.”
—Lee, 17, Oregon
Virginity: The Real Deal
Originally Published: Feb 24, 2004
Revised: May 14, 2007
Girls, have you taken Sex Etc.'s and Seventeen Magazine's virginity survey yet?
If you looked up the word "virginity" in the Webster's New World Dictionary, you'd find this definition: "the quality or state of being virgin." For the definition of "virgin," you'd find "a person who has never had sexual intercourse."
If you looked up the word "virginity" in the Webster's New World Dictionary, you'd find this definition: "the quality or state of being virgin." For the definition of "virgin," you'd find "a person who has never had sexual intercourse."
Seems simple, right? But even though these are the standard dictionary definitions, they're not the only ones teens follow. In fact, according to many teens, there is no simple definition of virginity—and coming up with a set definition can be a challenge.
"Virginity is not having sex—sex being the insertion of a penis into a vagina. Oral sex is not sex. Fingering is not sex. Only the penis in the vagina is sex," says George Rose, 16, of Ewing, NJ.
"You lose your virginity when you have sex in the vagina, and cum inside the girl," adds Nick Gold*, 15, of Louisville, CO.
Mina Markham, 17, of Wichita, KS, has a different definition.
"Virginity means a person hasn't had any form of sexual interaction with another person, including oral sex."
Chris Leskowski, 16, of San Francisco, agrees.
"Virginity is when a person doesn't have any type of intercourse," says Leskowski, who likes this simple, cut-and-dried definition because "it doesn't make it difficult to understand."
Why do teens have different definitions to describe a simple word, and what makes this word so complex?
Virginity is complex because it's such a hotly contested issue in our society, according to Peter S. Bearman, Ph.D., chair of the department of sociology at Columbia University, in New York City.
Bearman says that teens' struggles with defining virginity "stem from recognizing that there are lots of ways to express intimacy."
Teens like Crystal Bialota, 16, of Ewing, NJ, agree.
"Virginity has many definitions, because if you're a heterosexual, it could mean you've never had vaginal sex. For gays, it could mean not having anal sex, and for lesbians, it could mean not having oral sex," she says.
Having one set definition is not of key importance, according to Bearman. Teens need to just find a definition for virginity that feels comfortable for them—and not be dependent on what others think.
"What's important is to be comfortable with sexuality. Sexual expression is an important component of human life. So, rather than worrying about terms and whether one fits into a specific box, the main issue for teenagers (and adults, too) is to develop healthy relationships with others—sexual and not," he says.
A healthy relationship is one where you and your partner are able to communicate with one another openly about issues like virginity, and responsible enough to protect yourself from unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, if you choose to have oral, vaginal, or anal sex.
After all, when you establish a healthy relationship—and become confident in your beliefs, morals, or values about sex—you'll become more comfortable with defining virginity for yourself.
Anna Stange, 16, of Ewing, NJ, and other teens agree.
"Just like in any other aspect of sexual relations, it's important how the individual feels about it," says Stange.
And 18-year-old Joshua Silverstein, of St. Anthony, ID, thinks that any "thoughtful conversation" about virginity and sex is good. He adds that since it's "difficult to come up with a universal definition, it has to be more of a personal one."
So, even though there are such different definitions of virginity, it's important for teens to communicate with sexual partners and others about it—and find a definition that works for them.
Contributor Aaron Bornstein, 15, of Superior, CO, contributed to this story.
*Name changed to protect anonymity.
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Your Comments
he wants to but I'm not sure if I want to
Posted by: Tiffani1169 on Jun 14th, 2009 8:03pm
my boyfriend and i always talk about sex and stuff, like as
a joke. then one day he got really serious and he wants to
have sex but he doesn't want to risk being a dad so he wants
to do anal and i'm not sure if im ready or even want to. i
don't know what to do. sometimes i fell ready but then he
brings it up and then i think to myself "im not really
ready" he knows that im not sure if im ready so he's just
waiting but he kinda brings me on a guilt trip. what should
i do?
fingering
Posted by: ohhesahotie on Nov 11th, 2008 12:08am
not really, but some people think that it is, others don't
love: wat I think
Posted by: sexii_african_boriqua_1994 on Oct 9th, 2008 1:18am
I really think I'm readi 2 have sex with my bf and he tells
me he has never had sex but hunny u cnt beileve every body
but if he's not datz koo bcuz I luv him n I kno he luvs me
back n I say if ur not ready n yo bf/gf iz den boo they
ain't tha 1 4 u!!!
RE: When do i know im ready?
Posted by: DanR on May 30th, 2008 12:11pm
First, let me tell you that there is nothing bad about being
"the virgin gurl." That is something to be proud of. There
is no exact time that you should ready. Everyone has a
different time frame. Some people decide they are ready at a
very early age, and some people decide to wait until they
are married or after college. I know it is difficult because
of the pressure that everyone around you is putting on you,
but you should not do anything unless both you and your
partner are 100% ready.
When do i know im ready?
Posted by: nj_teen on May 28th, 2008 6:53pm
I had alot of issues wondering when are you still a virgin.
Sometimes i can be unsure about having sex because what
other people may think and feel about me.In my school im one
of the popular girls and everybody thinks i already had sex
because of the way my body is built.i wanna have sex before
my years of high school is over just because of the fact
when im in college or grown i dont want to be"the virgin
gurl"or dont know what to do. When do i know im ready?
RE: im avirgin and need help
Posted by: DanR on Mar 3rd, 2008 10:43am
There are a lot of people out there who are in a similar
situation to you, so I want you and everyone else who feels
this way to know that there is NOTHING wrong with being a
virgin. In fact, I think it is something you should be
proud of. What is important to think about is if this
person that you meet is someone you may eventually have sex
with, than you want to start that relationship off the right
way: be honest! If they really care about you, they will
like you exactly as you are!
im avirgin and need help
Posted by: zerotheshadow on Mar 2nd, 2008 3:46am
im 17/male/straight and stiil a virgin sometime i lie and
say i not when i meet a girl i like and we start talking
about sex i get scared that if she things if im a virgin
that im a loser or a dork, if im not a virgin than im a
playa what should i do.
the way i've always heard it
Posted by: renegadesgirl7 on Dec 6th, 2007 8:43pm
the way i've always heard it is that if you have virginal
intercourse, you aren't a virgin. anything other than that,
like oral sex, doesn't count. some people aren't comfortable
doing anything past kissing, but they still don't think that
oral sex is losing your virginity.
What fingering is to me
Posted by: Dafreshmanof07 on Oct 19th, 2007 4:28pm
Okay I'm a freshman in high school. Yeah I'm going to say
that I'm pretty but do boys look at me in that matter?
Actually they do and don't.Now to get to the topic I've been
asked for sex many many many times it's like everyday. When
I say no then they say but you need to and I say NO!! So
they bring up fingering and say you can't get pregnant and
you won't lose your virginity. So I say no because it's sord
of a part of sex and I'm not ready.DON'T LET THEM GET IN
YOUR HEAD THEY ARE LIES.
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RE: he wants to but I'm not sure if I want to
Posted by: DanR on Jun 15th, 2009 12:33pm
I think the important thing to focus on here is the fact
that you are not sure if you are ready. If you are not 100%
ready to have sex, you should not feel pressured or made to
feel guilty. If your boyfriend really cares about you, he
will respect your decision to wait. If he does not, then you
may want to consider if he is really someone you want to be
with. Please, do not feel you have to have sex. If you are
not 100% ready, then it is OK to wait!