Love. Sex. Tuesday.

By Sarah, 17, Contributor

Originally Published: Oct 26, 2007

Revised: Jun 19, 2008

As my boyfriend and I lay on my bed, like the countless other times, we silently stare at each other. I can see in his green eyes that he loves me. Then he asks that question that I have been asking myself, too, “Do you want to do it?” My body is telling me that I want it. My mind tells me that I’m safe and he loves me. However, my heart is telling me “no.”

When I started going out with my boyfriend on November 21, 2005, I was not in a good place in my life. I had been emotionally hurt by someone I loved. I loved him, but as sweet as he was, he couldn’t return the feeling. I did not think that my new boyfriend and I would last. So, I made a deal with myself. I would stay a virgin until I was 17, on birth control and sure that I loved him.

Photo by Rooslan Odessa

Creative Commons Attribution License

“Do you want to do it?” His loving voice says that on so many different occasions. Sometimes one of us will say it in the heat of the moment. Other times, it will come up as we’re lying naked and our hearts feel like one.

Sex Ed in the Dark

Sex is rarely talked about at my home. It is understood that my older sisters are sexually active, but they never talk to me about it. I had to persuade my mom to get me birth control. I told her it was to regulate my period. My mother isn’t a naive woman, and I don’t know if she believed my line or not. A single mother with four girls, however, has to have a bit of a laissez-faire attitude from time to time. She loves me and knows this is important. I’ve been on the Pill for about six months.

I went to a French-Catholic school, and the sexual education class was less than amazing. I could not understand certain things. I did not know what a penis looked like until I watched porn, for example. I was terrified to start my period because I thought it would bring unbearable pain. I know my middle-aged gym teacher had good intentions with the class, but the lectures left me feeling self-conscious and scared. From time to time, I would look at the simply drawn diagram of what a vagina looked like, and my heart would sink. I did not look like that “down there.” Why would any boy want to be with me?

No Random Tuesday

My boyfriend was the first and only person I ever let touch me there. I talked to him about my promise to myself, and he seemed to be all right with it. I do not know any couple who have stayed together for more than a year without having sex. We have. My mom has not told me to wait until marriage and I am not following a religious rule that has told me to wait, either. This is just something in my heart.

When he does ask, “Do you want to?,” I have to ask myself: Will I regret this tomorrow? Is this special? Most of the time, the answer is “no.” But, still, I do not want to lose my virginity on a random Tuesday and then go and eat a bowl of chips. I want candles and I want to wake up next to him the next morning. I want something special. Our relationship is special, and I want our first time to reflect that.

Sarah, a 17-year-old Canadian, is a weekly winner of Sex, Etc.’s recent I’M TABOO Writing Contest. Click here to check out all the teen entries. Want to write a story for Sex, Etc.? Click here!

Your Comments

I wanna do that!

Posted by: Wolftrainer on Dec 10th, 2010 1:46pm

:O I am inspired but this story I really am! I'm a lot
younger than you guys seem to be, but this gives me a good
outlook on me and my boyfriend's relationship. it makes me
believe that we can still be together and completely in love
without having to have sex or prove that we love each other
by having sex. Thank you for that amazing story!

good for you

Posted by: lifehappeness17 on Jul 9th, 2010 11:54pm

thats really good that you are sticking 2 what u believe in,
i know thats really hard 2 do its hard for me 2. I am almost
18 and i am trying 2 wait till marriage before i have sex it
has nothin 2 do with religious veiws its just something that
is important 2 me. i really wish u luck with what you are
trying 2 do.

that's really amazing

Posted by: amelia.adams246 on Apr 10th, 2010 5:34pm

I don't know you, but that's amazing that you are willing to
wait so that it can be special. My boyfriend and I have gone
out for three years now, and we have done nothing more than
kiss...so you are amazingly strong to stand for what you
believe, religious or not.

amazing!!!

Posted by: simply-romantic on Jul 12th, 2009 4:37am

dont know you but im proud of you,im not a virgin my first
time was w/ my frist love we were together for a year and
decided to do it a week later he broke up w/ me,but now im
very happy w/ my bf whom respects me n is a complete
sweet-heart. we recently had sex,he lost his virginity 2 me
i wish every day i had waited so i could have lost it 2 him,
but the second time around felt like my first n it was
perfect, my advice make sure hes the one which he defenetly
seems like it n that ure 100% ready

Wow!

Posted by: link123 on May 4th, 2009 9:33pm

You have incredible self-control.I think I'm a little young
right now, (13)but to wait until 17,I could never do that.I
plan on 15-16.You're right though.I want my 1st time to be
special.Just me,my girlfriend, and a nice bed(candles would
be cool though too.)

Good Job!

Posted by: christina1992 on Apr 2nd, 2009 9:13pm

I think she's doing a good thing. You should wait till
marriage, or at least until ur older and in a hardcore
relationship. Plus she should want her first time to be
special, even if it's not the best sex, it'll be something
to remember. Good job

My opinion;

Posted by: && basically, alyssa on Feb 10th, 2009 5:27pm

Im going to have sex. But my sex WILL be; protected. From
both pregnancy AND std's. I mean, people.. it's just the
right thing to do. DON'T have unprotected sex if you DON'T
wanna consider the consequences. So, you decide what you're
going to do. But at least give it some thought.Ohkk, back to
my opinion. I'm going to have sex, yeah, and it's just me;
But I'm NOT going to wait 'till I get married. But that's
me.

kudos

Posted by: nightmare daemon on Dec 2nd, 2008 4:39pm

me and my bf are planning on it, but not too soon, but im
definately not waiting till marrage, kudos to ya for awesome
selfcontrol, stick with it, self control is a good key to
hold a lot of things together ;D

Amazing story

Posted by: hisqueen on Sep 27th, 2008 3:52pm

I wish i was like you and i wish i had a bf like yours. me
and my ex are fighting right now and i dont think this fight
will end up like the rest, were we kiss and make up, now we
are out of each others lives. i wish you luck and thank you
for this story i needed to know that there are still some
good guys out there

great story...

Posted by: tikitori75 on Aug 1st, 2008 1:40pm

i wish mine was like that when i lost my virginity.. i was
with my boyfriend for 8 months and we were completely head
over heals for each other. a few weeks later we lost our
virginity to each other. to our 1st love! 2 weeks later, my
so-called friends turned him against me to the point where i
had emotional break downs every night. when i finaly broke
up with him, at 9 months, he said he didnt even want to have
sex with me.. that broke my heart even more!

Love. Sex. Tuesday.

Sex Ed in the Dark

No Random Tuesday

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