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The Virginity Question
Originally Published: Mar 13, 2009
Revised: Mar 13, 2009
Some teens worry because they haven’t lost their virginity, while others worry because they have. They worry not so much because they are or aren’t virgins, but because they know they’ll hear comments like “You’re still a virgin” or “You’re a slut.” No one deserves to be called names or to be judged by their peers whether they’re a virgin or not. I spoke to a few teens about—the virginity question.
OMG, You’re a Virgin!
“I’m 17, male, straight and still a virgin. Sometimes I lie and say I’m not when I meet a girl I like. But when we start talking about sex I get scared that she’ll think I’m a loser or a dork if she finds out I’m a virgin. But if I’m not a virgin then she’ll think I’m a playa,” says Robert, 17, of Florida.
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Photo by Kah Zanon Read "Virginity: No Need to Stress" for more about virginity. |
You shouldn’t have to lie and say that you aren’t a virgin just to impress a girl or guy. You should be comfortable with who you are, which is easier said than done, especially if you have to deal with comments, like “Oh, my gosh, you're a virgin!”—or worse, homophobic comments because you’ve chosen to wait to have sex. How do you react to that? You really don’t have to react, because it's OK to be a virgin whether you’re a guy or a girl.
But maybe the comments or people’s assumptions that you’re not a virgin have you thinking you should have sex, like Halima, 14 of New Jersey.
“In my school, I’m one of the popular girls and everybody thinks I already had sex. I want to have sex before high school is over just because when I’m in college I don’t want to be ‘the virgin girl,’” explains Halima.
What’s so wrong with being “the virgin girl”? Why rush into sex just because people think you’re not a virgin? Does what they say really matter all that much? Besides, there are plenty of virgins in college; you won’t be the only one.
Enrique, 15, of New Jersey, is a virgin like lots of boys in high school. He is happy being a virgin, and this is what he had to say about not letting the rude comments get to you. “I don't care,” says Enrique. “People can think what they want. People think that I'm weird because I'm a virgin or because I'm quiet. I'm not in a rush to lose my virginity. Hey, as long as I don't get a sexually transmitted disease, I'm good,” he laughs.
If you’re a virgin and the comments get to you, remember that being a virgin is much better than having sex when you’re not ready. And if you’re being harassed in school, talk to a trusted adult, teacher or school administrator. No one should have to put up with harassment at school.
“Slut” and “Whore” Hurt
Whether you’re a virgin or not, having to deal with being called “slut” or “whore” will stress any girl out.
“I have this guy friend who I’ve had a crush on since the fourth grade, and we've done stuff but not a lot. And now everyone thinks I’m easy. People call me a slut, a whore, skank, and it sucks,” says Brianna, 16, of the U.S. Virgin Islands.
Life would be easier if we could control what people think or say about us. But we can’t, and as long as you know the truth, then that’s all that should matter.
Crystal, a 17-year-old from New Jersey, lost her virginity when she was in a relationship and was in love. “People think that I'm wild and crazy,” says Crystal. “Some people even call me names like ‘slut’ or ‘whore.’”
It’s assumed that girls who aren’t virgins are easy. But is that really the case? Do all girls who lose their virginity just want to have sex and give it up at the drop of a hat? Of course not—Crystal certainly didn’t.
I asked Crystal how she feels when she is called these names. She says, “It hurts, but I learn to live with it.”
Wait Until You're Ready
Some people may give you a hard time about being or not being a virgin. I know what that’s like. There will always be people who pass judgment, but you’ve got to be true to what you believe in and not let those people stress you out.
And at the end of the day, the choice to have or not have sex is yours. My only advice to you, whether you’re a guy or a girl, is to wait until you are 100-percent ready—that way, you'll have no regrets later.
Read "Virginity: No Need to Stress" for more about virginity.
Your Comments
RE: need help!
Posted by: SexExpert1 on Aug 23rd, 2010 9:07am
You can't tell if someone is a virgin just by looking at
them, and everyone defines virginity differently. Most
people think of virginity as not ever having had
penile-vaginal intercourse, but some consider themselves to
have lost their virginity after having any kind of sexual
activity. Talking with your partner about each other's past
relationships and sexual history and trusting your partner
is the only way to really know.
need help!
Posted by: love_ya on Aug 22nd, 2010 9:50am
i m confused about virginity..me and my girlfriend are
planning to have sex soon
she says shes a virgine how I'm
gonna come to know that if she is virgine or not..
please
help..!
its whats right for you
Posted by: vickynicky on Feb 8th, 2010 9:22pm
i think that im a better me for still being a virgin. i dont
walk around like im better than anyone else i just know that
if i wasnt a virgin and if i was all caught up in the want
to have sex than i wouldnt be where i am today with my life
I want to . . .
Posted by: SoConfused-x on Dec 14th, 2009 1:04pm
i really want to have sex, and said to my friend at the end
of the summer holidays that i think im going to lose my
virginity this year.
Im 14 and i know its wrong but my
partner is 15 and we want to have sex.
He is not a virgin
but i still feel that i want to have sex with him.
we have
been together on and off for 5months and we plan to do it in
about 3 months.
We will use condoms but am i wrong for doing
this and why do i feel so worried about pregnancy ?
ok im a virgin but...
Posted by: confused_vampiress on Aug 7th, 2009 3:14pm
ok ima virgin but there are times where i wish i wusnt.
sometimes i lie n say im not a virgin cus i dont want guys 2
attaack me constantly..n the bad part is that i go 2 school
next fri n i start high school. my friend nick is a sophmore
n he goes 2 the same school im giong 2 n he kept telling me
that either way if you lie bout being a virgin or not the
guys dont care. n it made me really scared. i dont know wut
2 do. but i gotta face the music either way
slut.
Posted by: lllalla on Jul 28th, 2009 10:04pm
one of my guy friends and i call eachother that as a joke,
because we're both quite experienced. BUT the fact that
eventually it got to other people calling me that made me
choose to stop having sex. Its not bad to be a virgin at
all. i wish i was, so people who feel theyre lame for being
virgins dont. You deserve the most respect.
:(
Posted by: LaceyLingerie. on Jul 28th, 2009 1:04am
I Am 13, And Recently Lost My Virginity With My 16 Year Old
Boyfriend, Because He Has Had Sex With Quite A Few Girls,
People Say Stuff Like "You're Just Another One of His
Sluts." "I Bet You've Shagged Him Already You Whore." This
Really Annoyed Me And Hurt Me In The Begining And I Just
Felt Like Screaming "I AM A VIRGIN",But I'm Used To It Now
Because, They Have Been Saying Things Like This From When I
Started Going Out With Him 6 Months Ago.
virginity
Posted by: memel on Jul 17th, 2009 9:49am
i think it's a personal decision
i too have recently lost my
virginity
because i felt i was ready im 15
and for me it was
an experience i dont regret im possibly pregnant right now
but it was my mistake and i will get through this and do the
best i can for me and the lil one's life..but safe sex is
great sex..jus use a latex unless u want to be late n have
stress
whore&slut
Posted by: nicoleann on Jul 11th, 2009 5:33am
I have many friends who have been called that. even I have,
many times. I just recently lost my virginity. &i dont
regret it either. Its nothing bad if its with someone you
truely love. I think girls take the words "slut" & "whore"
too litely. They dont understand the damage it really does
to others. Even if its not true, those words cut deep.
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Whore
Posted by: ilyxdianax562 on Feb 12th, 2011 9:53pm
okay yes i get the are you a virgin thing ask plenty of
times and Im not ok well it sucks bc wen i tell guys oh yeah
im not a virgin at skool a week later humors spread that i
had oral or vaginal sex with the person now thats why i been
called a whore and a slut but really it doesnt matter what
people call you as long as you know who you are in the
inside