It started my freshman year of college, shortly after my 18th birthday. I was feeling somewhat liberated, because I had finally told my mom that I was gay. I thought things were going to be great. I had a cute boyfriend, school was going well, and I was really happy.

Then my best friend at the time called, asking about getting an HIV test. I had seen a sign at school and thought about going to get tested, but then I was like, whatever . . . you know how it goes. He asked me where he could go to get tested. I told him about the sign and offered to go with him.

So, we went to the school nurse and she did the OraSure test. I listened to my friend's entire counseling session and I felt bad for him. He had done what sounded like really high-risk stuff, which I had never done.

Well, two weeks later his results came back positive. Can you say, "Blow to the chest!"? I was completely shocked. How could this be? Didn't this only happen to older people, after they had already had their fun?

After he shared his results with me, I said to myself, "If it could happen to him, then it could happen to me, too." So I took the test. Waited. Three weeks of eternal hell.

"Do You Have HIV?"

 

I couldn't really talk to my then-boyfriend, because I felt he was slipping away from me . . . and I was right. Before I got my results back, we'd already broken up.

So, I thought and prayed about it, and eventually called the only person I ever had unprotected sex with.

"Do you have HIV?" I asked.

With nothing but a lie in his mouth, he said, "Naw."

That was about two days before the results came.

But the turning point for me came the day before I got the results. The results had been held up by paperwork, lab work—yada, yada. But the day before, I prayed and asked for the truth, and I received it. I knew I was POZ.

The next day, I went to the nurse, who told me that the person who gives the results would be with me shortly. She held a good face, but even she couldn't keep the truth away. It was in her eyes. So, I went in to have this stern, but kind-looking counselor give me the results. I was already over the immediate shock from the night before. So I was just kind of like, "OK."

That night, I went home, still kind of numb, and waited for my mom. When she got home and saw I was in bed around 7 p.m., she came to check on me. I told her.

All she could do was cry. I know it was hard for her, but she took it like she does all things—just simply wanting to know: "Where do we go from here?"

Editors' Note: This essay first appeared in "POZ Youth Tell Their Stories," a series of writings by teens who've learned they're HIV positive. You can find these essays on www.youthhiv.org, a project of Advocates for Youth. Information about testing can be found here.

A Message from Lawrence

 

Sex, Etc. recently caught up with Lawrence, who is now 21 and living in St. Louis, Missouri. We asked him if he had any messages for young people about HIV. Here's what he had to say:

"Unprotected sex is a risk factor for HIV and other sexually transmitted infections, but the truth of the matter is that loneliness, low self-esteem, and a poor self-image also put you at risk.  If you have ever experienced any of these emotions or feelings, deal with them, find out who you really are, and learn to love yourself for you, no matter what that means you have to accept. 

"No—loving yourself will not protect you from HIV, but loving yourself might give you the ability to stay out of harmful situations that may lead to HIV. Remember—whether you are fat, poor, gay/bi/lesbian/transgender, or any other label that might make you feel unworthy of love and affection—you can't receive true love until you love the person inside your own skin. This is not an easy process, but it is a process that we should all pursue and try to complete.

"Peace, hope, and love."