We were going to graduate from high school, go to college, get married, and then have a child or two. Eventually our physical relationship began to reflect our determination to wed someday. When we began to have sex, I was 16 and he was 17.

Three months after we began having sex, we decided we could not handle a sexual relationship. We felt guilty, because premarital sex is against everything we believed in. We agreed to stop having sex. Then four months later, on Dec. 30, 1993, my mother and I were shopping at a local grocery store. My mother realized I had not had a period lately.

She asked if I could possibly be pregnant. I told her no. I couldn't be pregnant. Not me. Something like that wouldn't happen to me.

We bought a pregnancy test and left the store. We carefully followed the instructions.

She told my father that afternoon. That night, my boyfriend told his parents. The next day, my parents, his parents, he and I met and talked for a few hours. Our parents were hurt, shocked, disappointed.

Three days later my mother, my boyfriend, his parents and I went to my family doctor. I was indeed pregnant. The following day I went to a crisis pregnancy counselor and to my mother's obstetrician. I was approximately 21 weeks pregnant. The next day, my mother, boyfriend, and I went for the ultrasound and we were given a picture of the baby.

The Not-So-Perfect Pregnancy

Almost as soon as we returned home from the ultrasound, the troubles began. First, my father's primary insurance would not cover my pregnancy. The obstetrician did not take the secondary insurance, so we switched to a new obstetrician.

I was diagnosed with "placenta previa." This is when the placenta is underneath the baby in the uterus and covers the opening of the uterus completely or partially. A natural delivery would most likely kill the baby.

Then I woke up one night with horrendous back pains. We discovered I had kidney stones. They were caused by bacteria. After the birth, I would probably need surgery.

The next major problem was swelling. I had a sudden weight gain of 16 pounds in five weeks, severe swelling, headaches, high blood pressure, and protein in my urine. My obstetrician put me on a 1,200-calorie diet for the weight gain and told me the swelling was normal, even though I could no longer get my feet into my sneakers at all first thing in the morning.

Then we discovered I had a lot of sugar in my urine, so I had to restrict my sugar intake. Around this time I had my second ultrasound, which revealed my placenta was safely out of the way now.

Life Decisions

On learning I was pregnant, there were several decisions to make. The first was what to do with the baby. Abortion was not an option. My first instinct was to give the baby up for adoption. My parents told me I could never live with that and they are right.

So, we were keeping the baby.

The next decision was how to support the baby. We learned that in New Jersey, because I was under 19 and my father made too much money, to get health insurance for the baby I would have to move out and go on welfare. Moving out was out of the question, so my parents would have to become the legal guardians of the baby.

The next decision was what my boyfriend and I should do. Do we try to get jobs now? Do we depend on our parents to support us and our baby for the next five years? We decided the best decision was for us to continue our education. This way, we will be able to fully support ourselves and our baby in five or six years.

Then my boyfriend and I had to decide if we were going to get married now, wait until I graduated from high school or wait for five or six years. We decided to get married now. We're going to live with my parents until we graduate from college and can support ourselves.

The Costs

Being pregnant and having a baby is expensive. A normal pregnancy costs $3,000 to $5,000. If there are any complications, the cost may rise to $8,000 or more. Then there's the maternity clothes, baby furniture, baby clothes, baby toys, baby bottles, formula, diapers, and a mountain of other costs. I never realized diapers were so expensive. My mother and I bought about $60 worth of diapers and wipes—three diaper packages and four packages of wipes.

Pregnancy is more than just financial problems. There's lost trust and respect between my parents and me, his parents and me, my parents and him and with adults in our church, our friends, and our peers. Because of us, our close friends will be watched more carefully.

I used to think it was something just between my boyfriend and me. Sure, we worried about being caught, but what was the worst that could happen? We weren't hurting anyone else, right? No one knew, so how could it affect them? I had never seen my father cry before. My boyfriend's father took it extremely hard.

The Labor

At 3 a.m. May 7, 1994, I awoke with false labor. I packed my hospital bag. Around 11 a.m., I lost my mucus plug, which blocks the opening of the uterus during pregnancy. I was five weeks from my due date. So I went to the hospital to be examined.

As I had no other signs of labor, I was sent home at 1 p.m. My parents and I had not eaten all day so we stopped for lunch. I had eaten my fill when, suddenly, I felt an urge to urinate. I went to the restroom and discovered a spot of water on my underwear. I went back to the table and urgently demanded my father's car keys. I got a sanitary pad from my hospital bag and returned to the restroom to find my underwear soaked. My water had broken! I told my parents. I was fighting tears from fear and excitement. I just wanted to get back to the hospital. My father had dessert.

Back at the hospital, there were still no other signs of labor. It was four hours later, at 6 p.m., that the contractions began. They inserted an intravenous line and I was given oxytocin [a drug] to induce labor. The hospital nurses kept saying they hate when women give birth at 35 weeks because it's a 50-50 chance the baby will be too premature.

At 8:30 p.m. they gave me an epidural [a pain killer inserted through the base of the spine] and I fell asleep. My parents, boyfriend, and his parents were told to get something to eat because it would take at least one to two hours more before I began to push. My boyfriend stayed. Our parents returned at 11:15 p.m. to see the baby's head crowning (showing in the birth canal). At 11:26 p.m., my son was born.

Reflections

In some ways, I'm lucky my parents are here to help so much. They did all of the night feedings. However, in some ways, it reinforces my feelings of incompetence. When I can't take care of the baby's needs, they can. They know better than I do what he needs and wants. There are days I feel more like a sister than a mother. That's hard. It's difficult to let go like that. There are times I just want to hold him forever, but I have to do my homework.

Teenagers my age think, "Oh, it's so neat that they have a kid," or "They're married. That's so cool." It's really not. They don't know the emotions involved or the financial problems.

People ask me if we used contraceptives. They seem relieved when I answer, "No." It's almost as if it's OK then. It will never happen to them. I can understand that. I felt that way once, too.

It's easy for people to preach abstinence or "safe sex." Safe sex is a myth. I know a 7-month-old baby conceived while the mother was on the Pill and the father used a condom. Abstinence is an unrealistic ideal. I don't believe there is a cure for the epidemic of teenage pregnancy. Then again, I don't believe in a lot of things anymore. Losing my childhood too early has left me too bitter.